Bush Invades Celine Dion!

DATELINE, WASHINGTON: BUSH INVADES CELINE DION !

A confidential White House memorandum has been leaked to the media disclosing that last week, in an embarrassing moment of confusion, President Bush ordered an invasion of Celine Dion. It seems that two jokers on the White House Advisory Committee had convinced the President that Celine Dion was a small nation in West Africa whose capitol of "Skanksville" was harboring al Queda operatives. No troops were ever dispatched and the two pranksters, Paul Foxowitz and Richard Emerald, have been dismissed from their posts. The President seemed a bit baffled by the mix-up and cited that the two had been introduced to him with impeccable credentials. Said the president, "Our records show that they both graduated Summa Cum Laetta from Whutsamatta U., they were both members of Delta Fraternity, and they were well-respected when they worked in a think tank called the Brewskis Institute. I have no idea how this could have happened." It seems that the President has also heard the term "skank" in reference to Celine Dion on numerous occasions, which only added to his confusion.

DATELINE, GAZA: MOSQUE EXPLODES DURING PRAYER SESSION

Approximately two hundred Muslim worshippers were killed today when a sudden
methane gas explosion happened at the 'Kill The Infidels Holy Mosque' located in the city of Raezzin-debuttz. It seems that in a gesture of good-will, Israel had donated several tons of canned beans to the city. Worshippers had eaten large quantities of the beans an hour prior to the prayer session and when they all simultaneously kneeled upon the floor with their posteriors raised, some fool decided to light a Roman candle. The damage has been described as "devastating but kind of funny" by Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. Palestinians are calling it "just another Israeli plot to kill Arabs."

Meanwhile in the Gaza Strip it is reported that the Religion of Peace Foundation is asking for donations. The list of items sought under "basic staples" includes guns, knives, hand grenades, and rocket launchers.

DATELINE, LEMMING, MA: MICHAEL MOORE STATUE RAISED IN TOWN SQUARE

Liberal cult hero Michael Moore can now boast of a likeness of his very own rotund image in the center of this city's town square. The nine foot tall sculpture made entirely of hardened fudge depicts the well-known and controversial film maker holding a microphone in one hand and a milk shake in the other. Engraved on the base of the statue are the words, "Am I the only one asking these questions?" Members of the local community, who refer to themselves as
"lemmings" and to George W. Bush as "the demonic one," have been seen prostrating themselves before the Moore sculpture five times a day since it was placed there.

In other news, presidential candidate John Kerry was on hand for the unveiling of the Moore statue and took that opportunity to announce that he is dropping Hermann Munster as his running mate. Insiders complain that Munster's charismatic personality had frequently upstaged Kerry during public appearances and that "Hermann had to go." Munster has now reportedly offered his services to Dennis Kucinich.

THAT'S ALL FOR NOW