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DATELINE, ISRAEL: PEACE ACCORD SIGNED TODAY
A peace accord was signed this afternoon by the PLO masked leader-of-the week and top Israeli government
officials. The event caused widespread jubilation amongst members of both sides and was immediately celebrated by the
explosion of fourteen car bombs in downtown Jerusalem and a rocket attack launched upon a Palestinian village by Israeli helicopter
gunships.
Later in the day, a crack suicide squad of Hamas warriors reportedly broke into an Israeli military
compound near Tel Aviv and shot themselves. None of the Israelis were injured.
In a related story, the newest Palestinian Prime Minister, Massoud al-Goatfuck Sheik Yermoneymaker, died in a freak shaving
accident this week, when he inadvertantly cut his own head off. The move is described by behavioral scientists as "Instinctive
Islamist Slicing." Many Americans were outraged, as the method of his death was not covered by any of the dead pools
currently in circulation.
DATELINE, GUANTANAMO BAY: AL QUEDA PRISONERS PROTEST CONDITIONS
Al Queda detainees at Guantanamo Prison conducted a mass protest today demanding clean towels and prayer rugs and
threatening to commit suicide if their demands are not met. In a humanitarian gesture, Marines at the camp have taken up a
collection to buy them enough rope to hang themselves.
DATELINE, FAGHDAD: ABU GHRAIB PRISON GETS NEW NAME
In an effort to put the much publicized prison abuse scandal behind them, U.S. military officials in Baghdad
announced today that the infamous Abu Ghraib Prison shall be renamed Abu Ghrabass Prison. Also, in an effort to soften its
harsh image and to add a feminine touch to the bleak compound, domestic diva (and soon-to-be federal prisoner herself) Martha
Stewart has been hired as a consultant. Her first recommendation has been to "paint those dreary gray bars a variety of cheery
pastels and incorporate feminine influences" at the prison. New prison commandant, Major General Beverly "Butch" Dykestra,
has designated "Cell Block Lynddie" to be reserved for the most "high value" detainees. Said General Dykestra, "We anticipate
that the atmosphere in Cell Block Lynndie will lead to higher level of, shall we say, discussion between prisoners and staff,
if you get my drift." The General, who intends to get "personally involved in all aspects of prison life," then had to leave
the interview in order to test the water pressure in the prison's fire hoses.
THAT'S ALL FOR NOW
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(C) 2004, Redmond News Service
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