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REDMOND NEWS SERVICE
THIS WEEK'S SPECIAL FEATURE: TONY GIABONI INTERVIEWS JOHN FRENCHY KERRY
DATELINE:
PARIS, MASSACHUSETTS
GIABONI: Hey, I'm here wit Senator John F. Kerry at his wife's mansion at 57
Heinz Hill Road and I'm gonna ask him a few questions. You ready, pal?
KERRY: Fire away. John Kerry
reporting for duty. Just like I did in Vietnam. Where I was a war hero. Saved my buddy right there in.....
GIABONI:
Yeah, okay, let's skip the stump speech intro, all right? So Senator, first question; is it true that you were raised in France
by a couple of rich homos?
KERRY: Well, I wouldn't say they were......I mean, no, that's absolutely
categorically not true, although there's nothing wrong with it and there's nothing wrong with Dick Cheney's daughter being
a dyke either and I think it's commendable that he didn't throw her out of the house. In Vietnam if a woman was gay, well,
they would........
GIABONI: They would say 'put a cork in it, Senator.' Enough with the Vietnam thing
already. So latest news item is that it looks like maybe we haven't snuffed Osama bin Laden yet after all. I guess maybe Osama
bin Hiden pretty damn good. So if you win the election whuddayagonna do about him?
KERRY: I spoke
to Osama on the phone just last week and you'll be pleased to know that he's in excellent health. His kidney trouble is in
remission and he's excited about my candidacy. Why he even said that if I'm elected he'd be willing to travel here to the
United States to take advantage of one of the forty-seven excellent national health care plans I'm going to implement right
after reporting for duty, like I did in Vietnam, which was a war we were in and could have won if I hadn't been wounded three
times and had to leave 'cause I had three purple hearts.
GIABONI: You're gonna get a fourth purple
heart from me if you don't shut up about the damn Vietnam war, capiche? So when Osama comes over here for that free health
care are you gonna grab his ass then and put him on trial?
KERRY: Of course not. That would be so
rude, so un-French.....no, I would use the opportunity to negotiate with him, to show that we Americans can lead a more sensitive
war, and build an alliance with al Queda that will make them like us.
GIABONI: Why not just whack
him out as soon as he gets off the plane? Wouldn't that solve the problem?
KERRY: That's no way to
build an alliance, Tony. And you must remember that the fear of death doesn't intimidate al Queda.
GIABONI:
No, but the fact of 'being dead' slows them down a bit, don't you think? What Americans want to know is, 'what are you gonna
do to kill the terrorists,' capiche?
KERRY: As I've said before, I will stop at nothing to hunt down
the terrorists.
GIABONI: Nothing? How about the U.N.?
KERRY: Well, of course
I would stop at the United Nations for their approval. And I would have to stop at Paris and Munich to see if they would allow
military action, that's only fair, and after that I would have to stop for that 'global test' that is all important where
countries like Camaroon, Liberia and Estonia would go along with it, but after that I would stop at nothing, and I mean nothing!,
to protect America. As long as Teh-RAIZ-a agrees.
GIABONI: Okay, that brings up my our next subject:
what about that nut-job wife of yours? You gotta know by now there ain't a single voter in the country what likes her. Kind
of an albatross, ain't she?
KERRY: Yes, well, don't you worry about that. I've already got several
workable plans on how to have my first extra-marital affair in the White House. In fact, I'm in negotiations with CBS to air
a new reality show called "Who Wants To Marry A President?" in which numerous young hotties will be housed in the White House
and have to compete to become first lady after I divorce whats-her-name.
GIABONI: Where'd you get
that idea?
KERRY: I was visiting my friend Bill in the hospital last month after he had by-pass surgery
and right after his wife left we started talking about marriage, you know, and he gave me that idea. Said he kind of wished
he'd thought of hit five years ago.
GIABONI: You think the Washington elite will put up wit that
sort of thing?
KERRY: They won't have to because my first act as president will be to relocate our
Nation's capitol to Paris.
GIABONI: Here in Paris, Massachusetts?
KERRY:
No, of course not....Paris, France! What better way can we re-join the World Community? Then I can be in Europe ALL THE TIME
and not have to listen to Americans complaining about silly issues like owning guns and that sort of thing. I mean, do you
think I enjoy shaking hands with these common yokels in places like Idaho and Indiana? Puh......leeeze!
GIABONI:
Why not just run for president of France?
KERRY: I intend to, as soon as I've finished my two terms
as President of the United States. You see, by then America will be technically a French colony and so I'll still be in charge.
I've got it all worked out as part of my global plan for the 21st Century. By the way, I speak fluent French you know.
GIABONI:
So do I.
KERRY: Parlez vous Francais?
GIABONI: Yeah, fuck you. That's the
end uh dis interview, you friggin' mongoloid frog.
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