DATELINE, NEPTUNE, NE: KUCINICH HAS ALIEN ROOTS
In a surprising development, the Bureau of Immigration and Naturalization has contacted Dennis Kucinich regarding
his status as a United States citizen. It seems that his parents had never filed all the necessary papers upon their arrival
here from the Planet Mongo in 1932 and that young Dennis, who they may have secreted into the country in a mayonnaise jar
pretending that the youngster was a laboratory experiment, might have actually been "born or hatched" somewhere outside the
borders of the United States. The Kucinich parents now own and operate a giant pod farm just outside the small community of
Neptune, Nebraska. However, when asked by members of the media to explain the matter they answered in the Kucinick language
and said only, "Holfgjajgcvilldgk lgmdmkjmxnjabkbkjs lllhsmsngn lhlmbkyuyllg." Linguistics experts are still trying to decipher
what that means.
DATELINE, GOOBER, TN: GORE CRITICAL OF BUSH POLICY
Standing outside
the Old Courthouse of his home town of Goober, Tennessee today former presidential candidate Al Gore spoke of "President Bush's
failure to protect us from the terrorists." Said Gore to several reporters, "The Bush Administration is busy wasting our manpower
on fighting wars when all it takes is a good lock box. Now if I were president, I would have put Osama bin Laden into a lock
box a long time ago. Of course, you may be wondering how big
that lock box would have to be to hold Osama bin Laden. Well,
let me tell you that I have carefully drawn up a set of plans with specific dimensions for the lock box and..............."
Unfortunately no further comments were recorded, as all
reporters present grew bored with Gore's drivel and left town. Furthermore, it has been confirmed that the National
Organization of Shrieking Feminazis has filed a multi-"bajillion" dollar lawsuit againt Mr. Gore for using the term "manpower."
DATELINE,
WASHINGTON: "DEANERS WEINERS" MARCH ON CAPITOL
Late this afternoon a contingent of the Michael Moore Battalion
of Howard Dean's "Liberal Militia" marched on our nation's capitol demanding the resignation of President George W. Bush.
Newly appointed Colonel Maurice Pinkpurse---a cadet just two weeks ago at Camp Croissant near Flakesville, Vermont---led the
self-styled 'weiners' in a well orchestrated protest chant: "WHO DO WE WANT? NOT BUSH ! WHAT CAN HE DO? KISS MY TUSH !" However,
the 'troops' were tricked into dispersing when Secret Service personnel drove slowly past the group in a limousine with a
sign on the window that read "free Madonna tickets" and the 'weiners' chased the car out of town.
