DATELINE, CLEVELAND, OH: JOHN KERRY EXPLAINS STRATEGY FOR PEACE
After having
stated that he has "fifty-six separate plans to end the war in Iraq" to a group known as the "Schizophrenics for Peace," organized
by former presidential aspirant General Wesley Clark, Senator John Kerry was asked to explain just how one of his plans would
work. "Well, I would start by asking all the nations who hate us---like France and Russia, for instance--- to become our allies
and then to give up their SUV's, their color TV's, their bicycles, etc. and then to fast for five days. They should sell off
the SUV's and other stuff and give the proceeds, along with all the food money they saved, to al Queda as a gesture of good
will in return for their promise not to bomb anybody anymore or to do things that aren't nice, like sawing people's heads
off."
And if that plan doesn't work? "Well," said Senator Kerry, "then I go to plan number
'two,' which is to provide abortion clinics to every city in Iraq and give Iraqi women the right to 'choose'. When enough
of them choose to abort their babies then, presto! there won't be anymore Iraqis left. Problem solved!"
And your third plan, Senator? "Well, plan number 'three' would be to play match-maker
and get Iraq and Switzerland to fall in love. Then we get the Prime Minister of Switzerland and the President of Iraq to go
to Las Vegas and get married as a gay couple, so basically you have Iraq and Switzerland getting married and since Switzerland
is neutral it will be a good influence on Iraq and the fighting will stop. Teh-RAIZ-a thought of that one." Hmmm, why am not
surprised? Uh, Senator Kerry, have you perhaps forgotten to take your medication recently? "Oh shit!" said the Senator.
Senator
Kerry then ran from the room shouting, "Prozac, where are you? Come out, come out wherever you are!" and this reporter found
a moment to speak to General Clark. Asked if he himself was actually a schizophrenic, General Clark's eyes darted quickly
from left to right, as if searching the room, before answering, "Well, yes.....And no."
DATELINE, UTAH: MICHAEL
MOORE HAS SURGERY! HAS HEAD REMOVED FROM ASS!
In a bizarre skiing accident on the slopes of Slurpee Mountain at the
well-known Hotfudge Enterprises Resort Complex, which advertises itself as "the ski resort preferred by nine out of ten fat
people," Michael Moore suffered a freakish accident when he fell off his skis, took a violent tumble down the western slope
of Slurpee Mountain, and landed with his head embedded firmly inside his own ass. Fearing that the well-known film maker might
suffocate, surgery was performed immediately right there on the snowy slopes. "Whew! That was exciting!" commented Moore when
freed from his own rectum.
Asked how it felt to have your head stuck up your ass, Moore replied, "Well, it wasn't
bad actually. I felt right at home. In fact, I never thought so clearly before and while I was in there I got an idea for
another book." However, the interview was cut short when Vice Presidential candidate John Neckbrace Edwards rushed up to the
prostrated Moore and handed him a business card while saying, "Ya'll got the makings of a fine lawsuit here, Michael."
THAT'S
ALL FOR NOW
