DATELINE, WASHINGTON: RUMSFELD EXPLAINS INTELLIGENCE
PROCESS
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was asked today to explain the intelligence gathering process
being used in Iraq. Said Rumsfeld, "What we know now we know when we know it and what we don't know we don't know when we
don't know it and this should not be confused with what we thought we knew at the time but not what is necessarily known as
something which occurred in the past or that which may or may not happen in the future. I hope that clarifies the issue for
you."
DATELINE, UGOMBALAND: TURMOIL IN AFRICAN NATION
In a heated debate in the capitol
city of Guwamba, warring factions of two insurgent organizations met today at Umbala National Stadium in a public forum. Representative
Kumbawamba Ntabe of the "Popular Front for a Democratic Coalition" faced off with arch rival Mattabumba Bluttupperware of
the "Democratic Coalition for a Popular Front" for a lively exchange of super-heated rhetoric and an occasional spear toss.
The debate ended when Bluttupperware took an arrow to the buttocks from one of Ntabe's supporters and limped from the stage
vowing revenge.
Said Mary Moonshine Nutcruncher of the faux human rights group InternationalQuestion.org,
"Where is George Bush and why doesn't he do something about this nation's problems? Is it just because they have no oil here,
is that what it's all about? People are dying everyday in Ugombaland and Bush knows and does nothing!"
Meanwhile, speculation has occurred
among several economists that a major factor in Ugombaland's economic decline has been a decrease in the demand for its major
export, an edible product called Stump Paste, which has fallen out of favor due to the recent popularity of 'low carb' diets
in the cities of Boston and San Francisco.
