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REDMOND NEWS SERVICE
September 25, 2004
Okay, folks, I'm
going out on a (short) limb here and making my predictions right here and now regarding the upcoming presidential election.
A) Kerry will win no more than five states in this election. If he manages to win five states they will be New York,
Massachusetts, California, Oregon and New Hampshire.
B) He will lose New Jersey, a state that until recently the Democrats
thought they owned.
C) And this is the biggest blockbuster of all: There is an excellent chance, in fact a probability,
that in this election the Republicans will win the biggest prize of all, California. The Democratically-created miasma of
waste and corruption left behind by Gray Davis and the increasing popularity of Governor Arnold "Conan the Republican" Schwarzenegger
may add up to a loss here for Kerry.
D) Kerry may end up winning only two out of fifty states, in which case they
will be New York and Massachusetts.
POST ELECTION DEVELOPMENTS
A) After the election Kerry will be as politically
significant as Hermann Munster, the TV personality whom he is frequently mistaken for by autograph seekers.
B) Within
two years of his ignominious defeat in the polls a distraught and severely depressed John Kerry will attempt suicide
by jumping into a giant vat of Heinz ketchup.
C) Within two years of the election hundreds of thousands of distraught
and severely depressed liberals will move to Europe and Canada, a development that will cause millions of non-liberals to
pump their fists in the air and shout "Yes!"
THAT'S ALL FOR NOW
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