REDMOND NEWS SERVICE
DATELINE, SEATTLE: TIGHT RACE GETS EVEN TIGHTER
While all eyes nationally seem focused on the race between John Flipper Kerry and George
W. Bush there have been some stirring developments in the secondary race between independent presidential
candidates Ralph Nader and Michael Cooper. Nationally, polls show that Nader now has acquired 3.000002
percent of the vote. This puts him just three percentage points ahead of Cooper, whose recent
surge in popularity from .000001% to .000002% has come as a pleasant surprise for the self-proclaimed
"retard running for president."
Cooper's position of having attained slightly more than zero percent of the vote ironically
now puts him three percentage points ahead of Congressman Dennis Kucinich, who has
slid into negative numbers as people across the nation are now demanding there be a special slot on
their punchcard ballots for those who simply want to vote "no" to Kucinich on the grounds that
he is an extra-terrestrial (and therefore not qualified to run for the highest office in the land).
An angry Kucinich momentarily lapsed into his native tongue at a press conference this afternoon at the Hazbin Planetarium near Portland, Oregon when he stated, "Lajajgn lejgalgl
ka agmajgjiehthgllmlamgf (expletive deleted) jgjkshdtgjktotkhdh." Responded candidate Michael Cooper while
on a trip to the Seattle Space Needle, "You don't have to be a retard to figure out that you can't be
president if you come from the Planet Mongo. Everybody knows that!"
However, there was still a ray of hope left to the Kucinich campaign when they were informed
that the most recent poll numbers indicated that their current - 3% rating put them thirteen points ahead
of Al Sharpton's dismal -16%.
In other news, former NATO commander and presidential candidate Wesley Clark has announced
that he will be embarking upon a debating tour this fall in which all five of his various personalities
will debate themselves on college campuses across America. The debates will be moderated by his wife,
Sybil.
THAT'S ALL FOR NOW
