DATELINE, EARTH: METEOR SHOWER HITS PLANET, BUSH DOES NOTHING TO STOP IT!

A liberal protest group calling itself BlameBushForEverthing.com has brought attention to the fact that dozens of small meteors landed in remote areas of Indochina and Tibet late this afternoon and that "Bush knew they were coming." Said Bruce Cuntlapper, a spokesman for the group, "It is criminal negligence. Satellite photos told the Bush Administration that these meteors were on their way last week and he did nothing to stop them. It's grounds for impeachment." In California well-known film director Michael Moore has announced that the meteor shower and the President's "failure to protect the environment" from its effects will be the subject of his next movie, Celsius 27/15. Asked the significance of these numbers, Moore, who was drinking a Slurpee at the time, admitted that they were "the temperature at which a milkshake will melt in fifteen minutes." He said that he would like to use Tim Robbins and Sean Penn in the film but that Penn is currently attending a fund-raiser for the "Save Moammar Khaddafi Society" and Robbins is at work on a new film, "Miss Dick Rivers," in which he will star as a transsexual.

DATELINE, DALLAS: Senator John Kerry traveled deep into enemy territory yesterday by taking his campaign to Texas. Reporters noticed that the Senator appeared somewhat nervous when he shouted to his security detail, "Cover me and I think I can make it to the limo," and then dashed from the airplane to a waiting limousine while wearing a flak jacket, helmet, and several metals on his chest. However, there was one tense moment when he slipped and scuffed his knee on the pavement, raising speculation that he may petition the Pentagon for another Purple Heart. Later in the evening, the Senator attended a fund-raiser accompanied by his daughter, who once again showed up wearing a see-through evening gown. Distinguished visitors grumbled that her appearance was "shocking" and, to avoid further controversy, members of Kerry's campaign staff quickly covered up her face.

THAT'S ALL FOR NOW