DATELINE, ATHENS: Note: As RNS believes in being a socially
responsible employer we have appointed Mr. Tony Giaboni to be our sports correspondent at the 2004 Summer Olympics. Mr. Giaboni
was badly in need of a job. After spending the past fifteen years in federal prison, and therefore having paid his debt to
society for that racketeering conviction in 1989, we felt it was the right thing to do to give him a second chance. The following
is a transcript of his first correspondence to our New York office:
"Hey, Tony here, how ya doin'? Okay, I been here
at these Olympic games for two days now and having a hard time adjusting to the culture here in Greece. Seems there ain't
a single bar in Athens knows how to make a decent Singapore Sling. But hey, whuddayagonna do, right? So anyway I saw the rowing
the boats thing yesterday. A big yawn. Like watching paint dry, for Chrissake. I'm thinking, get a life you guys. And then
there's soccer, which these friggin' Greeks call "football" for some reason. I dunno, bunch a guys running around in circles
chasing this ball around a field. They're cheering their heads off in the friggin' stands but I don't see no home runs and
I don't see nobody gettin' tackled, so like what's the friggin' point, ya know? There's this jerk sitting next to me in the
stands and whenever this team from Ecuador, or whatever the fuck, hits the ball in the net he starts screaming "GOALLLLLL"
so friggin' loud I think my ears are gonna fall off. I finally had to smack him upside the head so he'd shut up. So I got
outta there for a while and tried another bar and got some stupid drink with an umbrella in it.
I go back to the stadium and as I'm entering the place
I hear it's gonna be a sport with chicks and it's called the "snatch." Now I figure a women's sport called the 'snatch' has
got to be fun to watch. Things are looking up. So in come the broads. Trouble is they all look like friggin' weight lifters
'cause it turns out, that's what they are. First one's from Indo-friggin'-China, or something weird like that, and her name
is like 'Patmaheini Patmaheini.' So okay, I'd gladly pat her heini but like I said before, she looks like a friggin' weight
lifter, what with the big shoulders and lats and all. So 'snatch' turns out to mean they yank this friggin' barbell up in
the friggin' air and it weighs like half a friggin' ton or whatever. Then they announce they're gonna do the "clean and jerk"
and so now I'm starting to get excited again, but it turns out it's not what you'd think. It's another way of lifting the
friggin' barbell.
So I walk around a bit and I come across something
worth lookin' at. They call this 'beach volley ball' and it's these really tall hot sweaty chicks running around on sand in
tiny little bikinis. Now that's my kind of sport. They told me later on there was a net and a ball involved but I didn't notice
while I was watching, what with the eye candy and all. And, yeah, I'm sure it has nothing to do with boosting the TV ratings,
right? Like who's kidding who? So I'm thinking if their gonna do this, why not REALLY boost the ratings with like female nude
swimming or maybe topless foxy boxing or something like that, right? And just to make it interesting they could have them
like .........
CENSORED, CENSORED, CENSORED
Dear Readers,
We regret to inform you that we've been forced to reconsider assigning Mr. Giaboni as sports correspondent. However,
due to our committment to rehabilitating those who've paid their debt to society, Tony has been reassigned to our billing
department where he will be in charge of "collections."
- The Management
