DATELINE, KEY TARDO, FL: FANS ATTEMPT RIOT AT BUFFETT CONCERT; FALL ASLEEP INSTEAD
Popular
entertainer and well-known useless drunk Jimmy Buffett held an outdoor concert today for several thousand of his most loyal
fans. Dressed in flamboyant tie-dyed t-shirts and worn-out sandals, the group of perpetual inebriates grew surly when Buffett
left for a "break" and never returned after a mere forty minutes on stage. (The singer was later found slumped against the
wall of a Port-a-potty where he had gone to relieve himself and passed out).
At the height of the crowd's discontent, a man calling himself 'Parrot Bob' (owner of
'Tattoos R Us' and head of the Jimmy Buffett Fan Club), said "Hey, man, like this sucks and we should, uh.......what's
the word? Oh yeah, we should like, you know, riot or something. So okay now, who's with me?" After that rousing
rallying cry hundreds of Buffett fans attempted to stand up and engage in riotous activity but only a few dozen actually made
it to their feet, and they promptly fell down again.
Amidst calls of "pass that dooby" and "tap another keg" the group, most of whom have
listed their primary source of income as "unemployment insurance," eventually fell asleep. Buffett had by now already awakened
and gone back to his home here on Key Tardo. The next concert on his "Rolling Stoned" tour is scheduled for August 30. Until
then the singer, who has frequently used a green parrot as a pathetic trademark for his lifestyle, says he'll be working
on his avian-and-alcohol-inspired autobiography entitled "Tequila Mockingbird."
THAT'S ALL FOR NOW
