DATELINE: BOSTON - TED KENNEDY DRIVES CAR INTO HARBOR
The Democratic National Convention ended with a splash this week as
Senator Edward "Michelin Man" Kennedy re-enacted his famous Chappaquiddick car dive from 1969. Although the senator originally
wanted to treat President Bush to a reenactment of the Boston Tea Party, Kennedy decided to kill two birds with one stone
and show the president his car floating prowess while he was there.
President Bush escaped unharmed, but Senator Kennedy's girlfriend was
not so lucky. She has not been seen nor heard from since the incident, as Kennedy made double-sure that her seatbelt
was fastened "tightly." Rumor has it she was duct taped to her seat.
After his car sank to the bottom of the harbor, Senator Kennedy casually
found the nearest hotel and slept it off (again, a perfect recreation of his actions in July of 1969). When asked
if the senator should be held legally liable for the event, presidential candidate John Kerry said "No. We don't need to look
towards the past. With the exception of my service in Vietnam, there's nothing to see back there anyway."
Our sources tell us that (in order to be historically accurate) the
trunk of the car was loaded down with several bags of Earl Grey (and about two tons of bricks).
