DATELINE, BOSTON: TERAIZA HEINZ-KETCHUP KERRY GIVES SCREECH (Er, "SPEECH)
Senator
John-Claude Kerry's wife and ATM machine addressed the Democratic National Convention last night to an adoring audience
who couldn't understand a word she said.
"Hello, I am TerAIZA Heinz-Ketchup Kerry," began the first lady wannabe,
"and I have sumtink to say!" After this brief preamble our foreign correspondent, Ken Yoobeleivethisshitt, recorded the following
text of her speech:
"Ola compatriatos, por favor! A los amigos a por la mucho el tacos y
tostadas las burritos y lo quero Taco Bell! La Mexicana familia y mia havva largo buckos uppa de wazooski!"
(loud applause followed, then she continued in yet another,
extremely obscure language)
"Tre bien mon amee, la monge a que dumonique a flambet le vouz l'impressant
Jean-Francois Kerry en lelarge longay horsey facey!"
(more cheering and applause, followed by)
"Eich bin eine zee vininin zee White House unt kikkin zee gaetzin unt fire
zee porchmunkeez unt zee Rumsfeld unt zee utters unt pickin zee Sharpton azz zee nu klown fer der Vest Ving unt grabbinzee
Kucinich tu uez as mein nu dorestopski!"
(applause, the crowd went wild, and then)
"Umbala! Kooka malla moo la walla! Kimbalamaboona abbawabala tookamongo
tubbawamba! Dumbamoola mongo a bunga maba wow!" (the African American contingent were on their feet cheering!) "Kabawoomba
al la moonga a la movva tu Rancho Cucamonga en California!"
Following this exercise in linguistic gymnastics, which
left her audience breathless with enthusiasm, Mrs. Heinz-Ketchup Kerry told the crowd that they should elect her husband because
she once refused to buy Coca-Cola in South Africa and she "ain't gonna play Sun City." The relevance of her statement
was unclear, but this in no way dampened the spirits of the crowd who cheered loudly as Mrs. Ketchup Kerry was escorted from
the podium to a point behind the curtains where she was fitted with a straight jacket and given a double dose of medication.
[footnote: foreign translations may not be 100% accurate, but she definitely mentioned something about "No wire hangers."
We're still working on what that meant]
THAT'S ALL FOR NOW
