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DATELINE, NEW YORK: Martha Stewart was sentenced to five months hard
time at the Tablesettings Federal Correctional Institution near Danbury, CT today but escaped immediate confinement while
awaiting a decision on her application for appeal. Said Ms. Stewart upon leaving the courthouse, "This is so unfair. I have
a roast in the oven and I had to waste half the morning on this court appearance. Nelson Mandella never suffered this much.
This sucks and so do all of you." However, later in the day it was announced by her company, Martha Stewart Megalomania, that
in anticipation of her eventual incarceration her popular magazine, Martha Stewart Living, will get a facelift and be renamed
'Martha Stewart Living Behind Bars.' The newly revamped publication will feature such classic American food recipies as sloppy
joes, mac and cheese, chipped beef on toast, and the peanut butter sandwich. It will also include catchy informational essays
such as "Ten ways to cook with Spam" and "Lard, the cheap butter alternative." As she was entering her limousine in downtown
Manhattan reporters questioned her about her immediate plans, however Ms. Stewart's reply was interrupted when she received
a call from her broker and was heard shouting into the phone, "Dump the stock now!" before speeding away into Manhattan traffic.
DATELINE, GOOBER, TN: GORE FAMILY TALKS ABOUT FAMOUS RELATIVE
In an exclusive interview with RNS reporter
Pinch Yerbutz, members of Al Gore's family spoke of their famous relative today. Recalling moments from the well-known politicians
childhood, Al Gore's uncle Goober Gore spoke of how young Al loved swimming in the pond on his uncle's farm. "Yep, Al sure
could swim, by golly. I used to throw him a live mullet every now and then and he'd just open that mouth of his up real wide
and catch it in his teeth. Sometimes he'd jump through hoops to catch one. It wasn't long before we realized that Al possessed
near-human intelligence." Said cousin Thor Gore, a well-known
distiller of home made whiskey, "Al would walk around town
telling people that he invented the wheel and at the time he seemed really concerned about something he called 'global cooling.'
He said the earth was slowly freezing because of some Spanish guy named El Nino or something like that. We thought maybe he
just didn't like those Hispanical types." His aunt Flor Gore adds, "And he kept all of his personal possessions in a lock
box. That included his comic book collection. His favorites were about a character he called 'Vampire Man' and of course there
were the old copies of Playboy, too, which we weren't supposed to know about. After a while, though, he invented the padlock
so we couldn't look in there anymore." Uncle Goober Gore then said, "Yep, we all used to say, 'that Al sure is goin' places'
and everyone would tell him he should run for president some day. Of course nobody around here would ever vote for him but
we figured it would give him something constructive to do, ya know, and keep him off the street so he wouldn't pester people
all day long. Worked pretty good for a while and nobody around here voted for him anyway. Let's face it, Al in the White House
is a scary thought, ya know."
THAT'S ALL FOR NOW
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(C) 2004, Redmond News Service
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