AND SPEAKING OF O.J.  THIS JUST IN!

DATELINE, PEBBLE BEACH, CA:  O.J. SIMPSON FINDS FOOTPRINT, NOTIFIES POLICE: 

Claiming to have "reliable information" that the "real killer" of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman "is somehow connected to the world of golfing" Simpson has been diligently inspecting golf courses throughout the United States since his acquittal of a double murder in the mid-1990's.  Having found what appears to be a "Bruno Mali shoe print with a blood stain on it" in a sand trap at Pebble Beach, the former football star immediately called the local police and demanded that it "be removed as evidence."  However, lifting the sandy footprint proved impossible when the sand acted like, well, sand and the
footprint fell apart. Undaunted by this loss of "evidence" O.J. made the following statement for reporters. "This police incompetence cuts to the very core of this case. But I intend to take another stab at finding the real killers so that I can carve out the truth once and for all  and slice through the unfair criticism I've been getting all these years." 


DATELINE, SPOTTED OWL, CA:  GORE BLASTS BUSH ON ENVIRONMENTAL RECORD

Appearing before a gathering of members of the American Tree Huggers Association this week, failed presidential candidate (and noted vampire) Al Gore blasted George W. Bush for "blatant and undeniable failures in his environmental record." Howled Gore to the gathering of several hundred conservationists at Acorn Stadium, "During his term in office this president has failed to stop fourteen meteor showers that have caused damage all across the earth's surface. There have been forty-six tornadoes in the United States in the past year.  How many has Bush stopped?  None. Since his inauguration there have been thirteen hurricanes and thirty-five forest fires to hit the United States of America. George W. Bush has failed to prevent a single one of them. I'd say that his dismal record speaks for itself! And don't even get me started on global warming. Or is it global cooling this week? Oh yeah - it's now Global Climate Change!"

Afterward, event organizer and former head of "Illegal Canadian Immigrants for Gore" chair, Maple Syrup Monroe, had this to say: "His speech was so electrifying. It really makes you think what's at stake in this upcoming election. We've got to defeat Bush in November before he allows a giant asteroid to collide with Earth and he does nothing to stop it, eh?"

    THAT'S ALL FOR NOW