The world was shocked today when it was revealed that Pakistan's top nuclear scientist, Dr. Abdul Qadeer Khan admitted to selling a nuclear weapon to sad sack presidential candidate Howard Dean. Dr. Dean is now using the device to blackmail his way into the White House. He has planted it in an unnamed American city and is threatening to blow it up if he doesn't win the next three primaries. 

 

"You must believe me. I had no idea he would ever use it," exclaimed a shocked Dr. Khan. "Back in October when I sold it to him, he was supposed to just waltz into the White House with no resistance to speak of. He was a sure-bet win!"

 

Since then, as his popularity has tanked, Dean has become nothing more than a punchline for late-night comics and internet jokesters. And his legendary over-the-top personality has been replaced by a more subdued demeanor.

 

"He's as mellow as a cello," exclaimed renowned presidential psychologist, Joe Needlenuts. "But don't let that exterior fool you. While most people would take Dean's newfound Kenny Loggins-esque personality a sign of resignation, it is much more likely something called 'quiet comfort.' Dr. Dean had an ace up his sleeve, which brought him peace. Now we're all gonna die just because he couldn't even win ONE primary. Loser."

 

The CIA has launched a top-priority search for the device, and citizens across the country are on edge. Just in case the nuke is found before he can detonate it, Dean has purportedly started working on his OWN nuclear device, which experts describe as a "sack of copper wiring, some old vacuum tubes, and a couple of bottle rockets." In other words, the good doctor has come full circle and joined the Wesley Clark Multi-Personality Club. We wish him well. (Oh who are we kidding? No we don't).