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In an unprecedented move, President Bush has fired Treasury Secretary John Snow and replaced him with someone more in
line with his druken sailor spending, Matthew Lesko. You may remember Lesko from his annoying infomercials,
where he offers "free" government money.
Today it was announced that Bush's senior citizen prescription drug program will cost far more than earlier estimated.
The current figure is a whopping $500 billion. But it doesn't stop there. The Cooper for President team sat down
with Secretary Lesko to ask him about his vision for America.
CFP: "So Mr. Lesko, how do plan to pay for all the new Bush programs?"
Lesko: "WOW! Whoop Whoop! Yippee! The Bush Administration is giving away
money, and it can be yours for FREE."
CFP: "Yes, we know Bush is giving away money, but how do you expect to PAY
for those programs?"
Lesko: "That's right, people. We've got it all! Drug giveaways, Cash givaways,
Benefits this, Free healthcare that... now we're giving away even MORE money for the National Endowment for the Arts! Oh,
and don't forget about the giveaway of our country to the "guest workers" from Mexico! Yahoo!"
CFP: "Mr. Lesko, you mentioned Bush's so-called "guest worker" program. Are
you aware that since Bush announced his proposal, the U.S. Border Patrol has reported a 15% increase in foot traffic from
Mexico? Do you even CARE about America's future?"
Lesko: "Yeee-haaaah! That's right, we've got money, money, money, and it's
free, free, free! We got money for old people, money for young people, money for illegal immigrants, money for EVERYBODY."
CFP: "Um... Ok... You mentioned the NEA. Do you think it's really necessary
that with a global war on terror, and rising deficits, that we spend money so frivolously? I mean, don't you remember the
whole 'Piss Christ' fiasco?"
Lesko: "Yeah yeah yeah.. Yip Yip Yippty-do! We want to give as much money
away as possible to struggling artists. To all you hipsters out there, why don't you create something right now? We'll buy
it! Just put a crucifix in a jar of the bodily fluid of your choice, send us the picture, and we'll give you money, money,
money!"
CFP: "Ok, thanks..... I see this is getting us nowhere... Um, Mr. Lesko?
MR. LESKO??? Would you mind getting down from the chandelier? Goddamnit, would somebody please get
this lunatic out of here?"
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