Dateline: New York - Today, well-known sandwich pitchman Jared Fogle was killed in a
tragic subway accident. At roughly 10:15 AM, while boarding the uptown train, Mr. Fogle was crushed as the subway
doors suddenly slammed shut on him. To the shock of onlookers throughout the greater Manhattan area, the subway conductor
(apparently unaware of the mishap) continued to make several stops.
Belinda Tucker, spokesperson for a group calling itself "Obese and Proud," (a fat-peoples' rights organization)
claims that if Jared had never slimmed down, he would only have been slightly injured in the accident. "If Jared hadn't been humiliated
into losing weight by our cellulite-phobic American society, he would still be alive," she said, between bites
of Hagen Daas.
NYPD officer Mic McAllister was first on the scene. "It was terrible. There were people screaming at the conductor to
stop, but the train just kept going. When it finally came to a stop, the corpse was wedged completely in. We had to use several
jars of fat-free mayo in order to get him unstuck. I'm never going on another diet again," said the McAllister, as he broke
down in tears on his way to his weekly precinct meeting at Krispy Kreame.
As you may recall, Jared (as he is known) became famous after losing nearly 200 lbs on a diet consisting only of subway
sandwiches and a healthy dose of chocolate laxative shakes. He is credited with the triple-digit increase of subway sandwich
sales over the past decade. Few people know that Jared got his start playing "Rerun" in the inner-city television series
"What The Fuck?" after the original Rerun died of colon cancer.
Fogle, 32, is survived by his wife Kristen and two children. He will be buried wearing his original "fat" pants,
inside a freshly-baked Italian herb and cheese casket, with extra vinegar, olives, and sprouts. At the request
of the family, there will be no onions.