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This week, as the governor of Ohio prepared to sign the "Defense of Marriage Act" (banning gay marriage), legislation
to prevent flamboyant homosexual teenage boys from auditioning on American Idol also made its way toward his desk. Governor
Taft has already indicated he will sign it. "This is one giant step forward, dog!" exclaimed Randy Jackson, one of the American
Idol judges. "This season in particular we have been flooded with pillow-biters, and the joke just isn't funny anymore."
Sharp-tongued judge Simon Cowell was even more blunt: "These bloody poofters are ruining the show. I put up with Justin
Guarini and Clay Aiken, but at least the gay guys in the first two seasons were able to convince the more gullible ladies
in the audience that they might be straight. You won't get that with the new lot, I assure you."
President Bush expressed similar sentiment. "Our children are at risk of being pussified and feminized like never before.
With al Qaeda regrouping, the last thing we need at this time is another generation of limp-wristed faggots." Earlier in the
week (at his State of the Union address), the president announced another new government-funded program. This one would devote
$200 million for "re-training" of young gay men, in hopes of getting some of the more effeminate American Idol contestants
to "butch up."
After only three episodes, it is clear that this year's American Idol "male" contestants are overwhelmingly gay. And
they are much more flamboyant than ever. A recent study by the American Medical Association shows a direct link between homosexuality
and wanting to sing on stage. And the number of pansy-boys is on the rise. AMA spokesman Dr. Bob Nob-Nibble explained it to
us: "Think about your own high school days. As you remember, the vast majority of kids in the glee club or drama club were
gay. In 1982, for example, the number was about 85%. Today, it is actually closer to 98%, and it's unfair to expect the American
Idol contestants to be any different. I can understand peoples' dislike of femmy 17-year-old queerboys who refer to themselves
as "divas," repeatedly wave their hands in the air like a black woman, and say "I AM all that and a bag of chips," but barring
them from competing is just plain unfair. Presidential candidate (and expert on gay issues and sweaters) Wesley Clark agreed.
Earlier in the week, Clark said in an interview to "Just Out" magazine (known as "Just Oot" in Canada) that when HE is president
he would forbid laws which forbid states from forbidding oh what the hell. Who knows what Clark said.....
Not to be outdone, New Jersey lawmakers are now sponsoring legislation to ban fat, untalented teenage girls from participating
in any televised singing competitions.
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