Cameltoe, Iowa - Today, presidential candidate Howard Dean shocked the political world by quitting the presidential race. After finishing at a dismal fourth place, Dean exploded in a fit of anger and rage that Joan Crawford herself would call "extreme."

 

When asked to explain his humiliating loss to John Kerry, John Edwards, and political newcomer Michael Cooper, Dean did not mince words. "I put the blame squarely on the shoulders of the lemmings who supported me. I should have known that hitching my wagon to a bunch of doped-out high school students would backfire. These idiots can't even wipe their own asses without the nanny-state (or their "mommy"), and I have to say they are a disappointing bunch of unplugged smelly skanky anti-American hippies. They can go straight to hell as far as I'm concerned."

 

Dean's tirade against his core group of supporters (12-16 year olds) did seem to have some merit. Here are the final standings:

 

1) John Kerry

2) John Edwards

3) Michael Cooper, Esquire (and 'tard)

4) Howard Dean

5) Hillary Duff

6) Son Goku

7) Al Sharpton

8) Al Yankovic

9) Emenem

10) (tie) Dennis Kucinich and Ashton Kutcher

 

It is widely believed that the sub-moronic, clueless teenagers who voted for the likes of Paris Hilton and Justin Wiggerlake intended to vote for Dean (but for the life of them couldn't remember his name). One of the kids actually drew a picture of Santa Claus and stuffed it in the ballot box. Needless to say, it didn't count. And, contrary to public opinion, they won't be able to "re-vote."

 

At the end of the evening, Dean shocked everybody by endorsing the long-shot candidate, Michael Cooper. He gave no reason for his endorsement. When asked what he will do now that he's free again, Dean thought about it, bunched up his fists, turned bright red, then dropped to the floor, foaming at the mouth. We will be sure to call the paramedics (as soon as we get this story to press).