In 1840, Iowa resident Jebbadiah Johannsen broke ranks with the church and did something that has become an enduring
tradition to this day. He married his sister. This set the stage for what we all have come to appreciate as the Iowa Caucuses
(a confusing mess of meetings and surveys to determine a presidential candidate).
The Cooper Team has obtained a copy of the 2004 Iowa Caucus Guide. This was not meant to be seen by "outsiders," but
I think we can handle it. The Caucuses are made up of seven distinct parts (five of which are to determine how many votes
you get. The other two determine WHO you will vote for). Here we go:
Part I: Gather your family in the living room. Count the number of teeth
for every adult. Subtract the total for each person from 32. Use a calculator if you need to, I know this can be difficult.
Then determine the average number of missing 'piano keys' for each adult. Write that number here _______.
Part II: Invite your new neighbor over to introduce himself to your family.
As a good Iowan, you also ask him to have (circle one): some coffee, some cake, a beer, a "fattie," sex with your
wife, sex with your prized pig.
Part III: Gather all the children in your neighborhood. Count the number
of the following: Nascar t-shirts, "Stone Cold" t-shirts, mulletts, feathered hair, Garth Brooks homo hats, pregnant
teenagers, and girls with a 'star' tattoo in the middle of her lower back. Write the total number here ________.
Part IV (that's 4): Which of the following have you had a sexual encounter
with behind the barn: your girlfriend, your cousin, your sister, one or both parents, a scarecrow, a bail of hay, a chicken,
a donkey, a peach cobbler, granny's prize-winning jack-o-lantern. Write the total number here _________.
Part V: Complete the following sentence: "Kobe Bryant is __________"
1) Guilty
2) Innocent
3) a negro
4) Your next victim
5) Better looking that your scarecrow
6) Kobe who?
Part VI: Who is your favorite singer (pick one only. If none are your "favorite,"
pick the one you hate the least):
1) Elvis
2) Ozzy
3) Garth
4) Clay
5) Moby
6) Nelly
7) Barney
You have now decided who your candidate will be. Here they are:
1) Elvis - Typical white trash. Gephardt's your man.
2) Ozzy - You're insane and have lost your mind. General Clark.
3) Garth - Redneck wannabe. Vote for John Edwards
4) Clay - You're clearly a homo. It's Dr. Dean for you.
5) Moby - Peace activist pussy. John Kerry (of course)
6) Nelly - Gangsta thug - Hello??? Sharpton.
7) Barney - You have the mind of a two-year old. You're a Kucinich lemming.
(Our apologies to the Lieberman campaign. But let's be real).
Tally up the numbers from questions 1, 3 and 4 (questions 2 and 5 are required by federal law. Your results will be sent
to the Justice Department - and shame on you). The total from 1, 3, and 4 will be the number of "votes" you give to your
candidate. All you have to do is show your support for your candidate as follows:
Kerry Supporter - Eat a Philly cheesesteak (without taking dainty bites)
Dean Supporter - Bake a batch of muffins, like the Metro-homo you are
Kucinich Supporter - Donate to the Che Guevara fund. Then go kill yourself.
Clark Supporter - Cover your head (and entire house) with tin foil. You're a nut.
Edwards Supporter - Muss up your picture-perfect Devo hair.
Gephardt Supporter - Get a tan. People can see your internal organs.
Sharpton Supporter - Beat up Gephardt supporter for being "too white" then say that he beat YOU up.
So who did you pick, and how many votes did he get?
Well, it doesn't matter, because you know in your heart that you're going to write in 'Cooper on that ballot, aren't
you????
