This week our "selected" president (Shrub) announced his plans for establishing a permanent base on the moon (to be used as a launching point for a mission to Mars). At this time, I feel there is no other option but for me to push forward with my own lunar mission. Someone needs to put an end to this senseless rape of our solar system's natural resources (which will only line the pockets of corporations such as Enron, Halliburton and Woolworth's). I am happy to announce that I have accepted an offer from a local inventor, Kenneth Walsh. Mr Walsh has been experimenting with rocketry and space propulsion systems since 1974, when he was unfairly dismissed by NASA (on phony charges that he was "huffing" rocket fuel). He has agreed to build my lunar vehicle for a mere $10 million.

 

I will live on the moon for one month without food or water as a protest of Bush's imperialist colonization of space. My first act will be to remove the racist, Zionist Nazi American flag that was put there by Alan Sheppard in 1969. The moon is not America's "property," and I intend to prove it to the world! In its place, I will plant a "peace tree" to mourn the innocent victims in Afghanistan and Iraq, who died at the hands of Bush's cronies and religious racists who want to relive The Crusades (except this time with SUV's instead of horses). In addition to the tree, I will place a Palestinian flag, a statue of Margaret Cho, and a signed copy of the latest Michael Moore book, "I May Be a Fat, Rich, Capitalist Hypocrite, but You Lemmings STILL Worship Me." Finally, before returning to Earth, I will set fire to the American flag (which will be seen by millions of stargazers and television satellites).

 

And unlike the penis-centric, phallic-shaped rockets designed by the sexist pigs at NASA, my spacecraft will be shaped like a vagina. This is guaranteed to further advance the cause of womyn everywhere. The launch is scheduled for February 15th, and in order to prepare for this mission, I am leaving the Cooper for President team (which is fine with me, because I am voting for Clark anyway).

 

So, I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell all you Bush Kool Aid drinkers (who aren't nearly as patriotic as I am) to stuff it. FOAD! Ha ha ha. Are YOU going to the moon? NO. Is the chimp Bush going to the moon? I don't think so. He had the opportunity when he was in the Air National Guard, but he was AWOL. Bush didn't have the guts or the testicles to go to the moon. Well I do!!!

 

I can hear you Bushies right now asking "How are you going to pay for it, with your TRUST FUND?". The answer is NO, IDIOTS!!!! I used my trust fund to buy land for the oppressed Palestinians last summer. Unfortunately, the land was in central Nebraska, not the Middle East, but I won't make that mistake again. I will no longer be oppressed or taken advantage of by you knuckle-dragging, sexist, homophobic, lying, cheating white American so-called "men."

 

How am I going to pay for it? Here's how. You see Gaia works in mysterious ways, and if you're good and pure of heart (like I am) and use the power of Feng Shui, you will get what you deserve. Last week, I received an email from an oppressed Nigerian worker. He and his team have been contracted to build oil platforms in Africa, and it just so happens that they have $30 million that they need to store somewhere. They have offered to give me half of it. All I have to do is give them my personal bank account information, which I have already done. I will soon have $15 million, and you idiots will NOT!!! Did they pick YOU to get $15 million? NO. That's right, Nazis, they picked ME. Read 'em and weep! GOOD BYE, LOSERS!!!!!!