A number of generalizations have been made on this and other like-minded
websites recently about certain sections of the population and the stereotypes that they love to embrace. However, generalizations
are rarely true for an entire group. It is unfair, for example, to say that "all Russians have severe body odor," or
"Asians are terrible drivers." Therefore, I have decided to wise up and stop with this broad-brush approach. As a result, I
will break down and categorize our wonderful immigrant population, not by race, but by behavior. It is my personal goal
to classify ALL of our "newcomers" (along with their good, bad, and potentially harmful traits) and present it to you
for your consumption. Here we go:
1) The Maid/Mom
Origin: Guatemala
Description: Although the claims that illegal immigrants
"are doing the work that Americans won't do" are 99% bullshit, there are two jobs that no self-respecting self-absorbed American
will do: 1) Cleaning Up After Ourselves and 2) Raising Our Own Children. Because of this, the Maid/Mom has
become an invaluable resource in this country. Since her job is so demaning (raising your kids during the day, then
cleaning hotel rooms at night) you would expect the Maid/Mom to receive at least an ounce of appreciation. However, not only
do you pay her a pittance of $3 an hour, you're the first in line to vote against giving her any form of beneifits (and
for all the hotels you've stayed in, you've never even thought about leaving a tip)!
Good: Hard working, loyal, great cook
Bad: Your children will eventually wise up and consider
her to be their "real" mom
Warning: May be the leader of an international kidnapping
ring
2) Mexican Serial Killer
Origin: Mexican Prison (escaped)
Description: Most of the illegals who grace us with their
presence are decent, law-abiding people (as long as you don't consider breaking immigration laws a crime, that is!). Still, hundreds
of seedy "Esses on the lam" spill into this country every day. Many will try to blend in with the crowd, but a percentage
are extremely blatant and aren't afraid of getting caught (such as the Mexican Serial Killer). Unlike young gang-bang wannabes,
the Mexican Serial Killer is the real deal. Although you can tell at first-glance that something's wrong, you wouldn't dare
point out his glaring contradictions (such as being covered head to toe in Jesus tattoos in an attempt to hide his
multiple bullet wounds). The most noticable irony is the "hair-net" thing he's wearing (although his head is completely
shaven).
Good: You can see him coming
Bad: Just last week, he raped a nun (then strangled her
to death with her own crucifix)
Warning: May move in with the slut next door
3) Hitler's Grandson
Origin: South America
Description: The first thing you notice about this guy
is although he's from Brazil, he speaks with a very distinct GERMAN accent (and he's whiter than Dick Gephardt). It doesn't
take a Rhodes Scholar to figure out his grandfather was probably a Nazi war criminal who made his way to South America
to avoid the post-war tribunals. Still, you can't blame him for what his forefathers did (but you sure as hell don't
appreciate his "Jew" jokes).
Good: Hard working, Strong engineering skills
Bad: Confirms Art Bell's conspiracy theory that the Nazi's
actually "won" the war and are running the world as we speak
Warning: Don't let him talk to your kids
