By MichaelMooreIsGod, Special Contributor:

 

This week the progressive "New Patriot" website (PissOff.org) buckled under pressure from the fascists in the Bush administration (and pulled their most recent ad). The commerical compared George "Chimp, Chimpy, pResident, Shrub, Bushy" to Adolph Hitler (a man who purportedly killed some people or something a while back).

 

As a responsible activist for non-violent social justice causes (Abu Mumia Jamaal, Leonard Peltier, and Malcom Jamaal Warner) I would like to once and for all PROVE that George W. Bush is in fact the incarnation of Hitler. Here we go:

 

1) Bush was born in 1946, approximately 1 year after Hitler died. Being a progressive new ager, I fully believe in reincarnation. The Dalai Lama, Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey have all assured me that it takes about 1 year for an old soul to be processed and sent back to Earth to take another form. Think about it.

 

2) It was well known that Hitler ate carrots. I have it on credible sources that Bushie has at one time or another eaten carrots. Coincidence? I think not. Furthermore, it is reported that pResident Chimpy eats SALAD on a regular basis (and not organic salad, but that corporate garbage).

 

Still not convinced? You will be!

 

3) Hitler was a white male of Austrian descent. Bush is a white male of Irish descent. The fact that they are both white males of European ancestry defies the odds. Random chance alone would dictate that at least one of these men were born in China. But they weren't, were they?

 

4) Hitler started a war without U.N. approval. Bush started a war without U.N. approval. Sure, the U.N. initially approved the use of "threats" against Iraq, but Bush just couldn't wait to go marching into Iraq. And although I can't prove this next part, I'm fairly certain that I read (or wrote) that Hitler's dad was somehow involved with Halliburton. Or perhaps he owned some stocks.

 

5) Hitler took advantage of the most famous "appeasenik" (as you neo-cons call him) of all time, Neville Chamberlain. Bush's opponents (with the exception of that Jewish prick Lieberman - he was cool when he was Gore's puppet, but now I hate him) are all Neville Chamberlains. Furthermore (are you ready?) George Bush's favorite television miniseries was Shogun! Who was the star of Shogun? RICHARD Chamberlain! And, after Bush was in office for just over one year, Richard Chamberlain all of a sudden dies. Am I the only one asking questions about this?  

 

6) When he was a spoiled young rich college kid (which is bad unless your last name is "Kennedy") Bush "Junior" loved fast cars. When he was ruler of Germany, Hitler actually had a car designed for the German people. Nobody is bringing this up (and you idiots think the media is "liberal").

 

and finally, we have this:

 

7) Hitler hated the Jews. He was responsible for the death of 6 million Jews (which is a bad thing, unless you call them "Zionists," then it's OK). Bush on the other hand LIKES Jews. In fact, he has several of these "neo-cons" in his cabinet! What's obvious to me (but completely goes over the heads of you Bushy Chimpy Kool-Aid Drinkers) is that having Jews in his cabinet is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt at MAKING AMENDS for the 6 million Jews he killed in WWII. That's right, Hitler Jr. has a guilty conscience, so he's given a few Jews token positions in his administration to score points with Gaia. Wake up, people!

 

If you're not convinced by this overwhelming evidence, then there is no hope for you. You are simply not evolved enough to accept it, you're not "open minded," you are uncomfortable with your sexuality, you are "racist" to the core, and you are probably unhappy with your life.

 

There, I've used every liberal trick in my arsenal to position myself so that anyone who doesn't agree with me is either racist, sexist, bigotted, homophobic, or a closet homo. Nyaa nyaa nyaa.

 

I've already submitted this to Bill Moyers and NPR. You can keep your corporate media, and you can stuff your ultra right-wingers like Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather. I'm taking my theories to a much higher source (and your taxes are gonna pay for it). Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.