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Dear 'Tard,
I've got a date with a woman from my gym next
Saturday. I'm recently divorced (after a 12 year marriage), and am pretty rusty on the whole 'dating scene.' Do you have any
advice?
Dave
Dear Dave,
Great
question. Yes, the dating world has changed tremendously over the past decade, and you wouldn't want to make an embarassing
faux paus. The most important thing to remember is that you must NEVER show any overt signs of heterosexuality on a date.
Pay for dinner, open doors, and be a good listener, but don't try anything funny. "Making the first move," or asking for a
goodnight kiss is actually a form of rape (it's called "pre-rape" and it is now a felony in most states). Instead, you must
wait for HER to take control (but get her to sign a consent form first). If she doesn't make the first move, and you go home
feeling unsatisfied, you should probably consider chemical castration. You can pick up a do-it-yourself kit at any feminist
bookstore (or you can get one for "free" with a $100 donation to PBS). Chemical castration will soon become mandatory for
all males, starting at birth, so you might as well get a jump on everyone else.
Dear 'Tard,
I work in an office that has a "no politics" rule.
A few of my co-workers have placards on their desk that say "Dean for President" and "Fuck Bush." I am a Bush supporter. Should
I point out the "no politics" rule to my boss, or can I put up a "Bush Cheney" sticker on my desk?
Repub in Rhode Island
Dear Dumbass,
No on both. Pointing out the "no-politics"
rule is censorship. However, displaying your support for Bush and Cheney is hate speech. So just shut up and live with
it, Hitler!
Dear 'Tard,
I live in a town that has a large number of illegal
immigrants. I don't want to seem racist, but everybody speaks Spanish, the signs and billboards are now all in Spanish, and
a group called MECHA is trying to get all English books banned from the school library. It seems as if we've been completely
taken over. Am I just being paranoid?
Concerned Citizen
No habla Ingles. Lo siento.
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