Ask the 'Tard 2

Dear 'Tard,

I've got a date with a woman from my gym next Saturday. I'm recently divorced (after a 12 year marriage), and am pretty rusty on the whole 'dating scene.' Do you have any advice?
Dave

Dear Dave,

Great question. Yes, the dating world has changed tremendously over the past decade, and you wouldn't want to make an embarassing faux paus. The most important thing to remember is that you must NEVER show any overt signs of heterosexuality on a date. Pay for dinner, open doors, and be a good listener, but don't try anything funny. "Making the first move," or asking for a goodnight kiss is actually a form of rape (it's called "pre-rape" and it is now a felony in most states). Instead, you must wait for HER to take control (but get her to sign a consent form first). If she doesn't make the first move, and you go home feeling unsatisfied, you should probably consider chemical castration. You can pick up a do-it-yourself kit at any feminist bookstore (or you can get one for "free" with a $100 donation to PBS). Chemical castration will soon become mandatory for all males, starting at birth, so you might as well get a jump on everyone else.