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Cooper buys a vote with a pack of Marlboros, the tried and true DNC method
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If Elected President, Michael Cooper will:
1) Uncover the nude statue that Ashcroft had covered up (this will be my first act as president).
2) Force Ralph Nader out of the Green Party (done).
3) Create a Cabinet Level "Department of Mindless Optimism" (out of deference to Dennis Kucinich).
4) Rename California "New-New Mexico" (per agreement with AZTLAN).
5) Issue a Gag Order on those uber-annoying Atkins dieters (please shut up already).
6) Outlaw the use of the term "tardy" (the word is highly offensive to the mentally handicapped).
7) Appoint a Blue Ribbon panel to look into a cure for Leslie Clark's Multiple Personality Disorder.
8) Put the United Nations in charge of France.
9) Put all local newscasters (who jokingly "thank" the weatherman or weathergirl for sunny weather) into the gulags.
10) Appoint Howard Dean "Secretary of Hittin' the Slopes."
11) Issue a Presidential Pardon to Al Gore for selling secrets to China (then arrest him for raising a spoiled, Prep School, pampered lowlife doper son).
12) Release the detainees from Guantanimo Bay, then put 'em back in and say "April Fools!"
13) Make Dick Gephardt walk around wearing a sandwich board that says "I'm a miserable failure."
14) Invite Ashton Kutcher and Madonna to appear on an edition of "Street Smarts," just to show them once and for all how painfully stupid they are.
15) Make the DNC stop funnelling money into buying Michael Moore and Al Franken books (and make them funnel it into buying Michael Cooper mugs and t-shirts).
16) Give Alaska back to New Zealand.
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