Dear 'tard,
Greetings and Happy Holidays from Florida, the state that gave America Britney Spears, Nathanial Brazil and
Janet Reno. And speaking of retards, I'd like to point out that this is the prime season for socially retarded
behavior.
Here's a list of things you might have to deal with each Christmas.
Someone bringing generic pop or chips to a party - The host spent $50 for
that ham, and I had to shell out $30 on drinks. 'Tis NOT the season to be a cheap bastard. I'm not sure, but I think there's
a passage in the Bible that talks about cheapskates burning in hell (or having to spend a weekend with reverend Fred Phelps
or a Dean supporter).
Asking your husband "what did you get from" so and so at work. Look,
I have a very good job. Every year, I buy presents for my office staff. They in turn (usually) get me something. However,
I don't give presents in order to get them (and I don't keep track of the value of what I get). Ladies, for the love of Christ
STOP acting like an asshole accountant. You don't have to keep a ledger of how much your husband spent then add up what he
brings home from his employees (and harangue him the next year for buying something for someone who didn't give him anything
the previous year). My wife did that, but I put a stop to it quickly. I hope she's enjoying Christmas at the women's
shelter. And here's a little tip - DON'T comment or act jealous if your hubby gets a bottle of cologne, a necktie or whiskey
from an attractive co-worker. It doesn't mean she wants to have sex with him (unfortunately). Acting jealous only
encourages him to entertain the thought. In fact, if she's REALLY good looking, your husband probably considers
her to be out of his league (that is, until you bring it up. This puts a woman's "stamp of approval" on the deal). In other
words, he THOUGHT she was out of his league, but since you don't think so, you've just inadvertantly given
him a big jolt of hope (big mistake).
Teenagers and hippie college students spewing their anti-tradition, anti-capitalist
and anti-American bullshit at Christmas. There's one in every family. Some kid home from college (my cousin
Meagan) who feels the need to bore everybody with her take on the war in Iraq, animal rights, "the true meaning of Christmas,"
and other such nonsense. You may THINK you're educating us, but we've already heard your bullshit a million times. We KNOW
that the true meaning of Christmas is about baby Jesus and sharing and all that. But it's also a tradition to spend time with
family (and pretend to like each other as we exchange gifts - many of which I got at work). And keep your hippy vegan bullshit
to yourself. There's been ONE case of Mad Cow Disease, and I'm dreading having to listen to your PETA "I told you so" speech all
evening. And I'm going to sit directly across from the first person that rolls their eyes or scrunches up their nose
and says "eeewwww" when I grab that big slab of roast beef. In fact, I'm going to grab a turkey leg and sit right next
to your pasty white dreadlock worthless ass and wolf down the leg like I'm Henry VIII.
....and finally:
New Years Letters - Although most normal people stopped doing this after
9/11, there are still thousands of narcisists out there that send me their life stories (disguised as an innocent-looking
holiday greeting). Instead of dropping a line or sending a card, these assholes send out newsletters the size of the Tampa
phone book telling us how great their lives have been over the past 12 months. Well quite frankly I don't CARE what you've
been doing. If I gave a shit I would probably already know about it.
These letters are nothing more than shameless self promotion. You know the type that sends 'em. The Patsy Ramseys, Soccer
Moms, Stage Moms, Beauty Pageant Moms, Cheerleader Moms, and Prozac Moms. They don't really give a crap about the holiday,
it's just their little way of letting us know that they went to Maui for the 15th year in a row, and they're moving into an
even bigger house. I don't know if I should be angry or feel pity. There are two types of people that send these:
people WITH children and those WITHOUT children. Since I have children, the only thing I can learn from the childless
couples is what life would have been like for me if I had a narrow urethra or was sterile.
Their lives may seem good on the surface (trips here, vacations there, new car this, wine tasting party that). But
then I realize that this is a Jimmy Stewart "Wonderful Life" look at what my life would have
been if I didn't have kids. And I don't like it. There's nothing amusing or interesting about a couple in their early
40's acting the same way I did when I was in my mid 20's. In other words, they haven't been subjected to the tortures
of parenthood. As a result, they've become emotionally stagnant. Grow up and adopt some Chinese kid. That might give you a
little taste of reality. And please, stop referring to your dog as your "baby." Words can't describe how pathetic that
is.
Of course, the truly pathetic letters come from the losers WITH children. First of all, 60-70% of what
they write is bullshit. Since I work in the finance industry, I have a pretty good handle on what people in different
professions earn, and I'm on to you. And, please stop telling me what a little Mensa member your brat is. It's all about
Montessori this and French School that. I think it's great that little eight-year-old Chloe speaks 5 languages, takes
ballet lessons, and is all set to go on the next space shuttle flight. Too bad you couldn't have sent her on the LAST
ONE.
So please just stop with the long letters. A nice "Merry Christmas" or "Happy New Year" will do. I'm not interested
in whose funeral you had to attend or about that mysterious lump on your back. I'm sorry your dog died, and it was too bad
that your wife cheated on you. But I've apologized 100 times, and you still won't accept the excuse that I was drunk (and
horny).
Merry Fucking Christmas,
and Vote for Cooper!
P.T.
Orlando, Florida
