A Columbus, Ohio man (working for the Kucinich for President campaign) has filed a one million dollar lawsuit against the Salvation Army. The lawsuit claims that a Salvation Army bell ringer caused him sexual dysfunction and loss of consortium (with himself). Last Friday, Thom Anderson (38) had stopped at the bank on his way home. After depositing his weekly paycheck, he briefly chatted with Tiffany, a very attractive, busty bank teller in her early 20's. With Tiffany's image fresh in his mind, Anderson was determined to go directly home and pleasure himself. However, outside the bank, he was approached by a female Salvation Army bell ringer who (according to Anderson) looked like "Michael Moore with a hairlip." The encounter caused Anderson to lose his erection (and the mental image of Tiffany was quickly replaced by an image of the bell ringer).

Psychologist Jerry Wigglestick explained the phenomenon known as "image dump." It is a scientifically proven fact that a man can usually hold a clear mental picture of someone for an average of 23 minutes. However, that mental image can be replaced by the image of someone much more attractive (or in this case, hideous). There is precedent for such a lawsuit. In 1999 William Farmer, a Virginia man, sued a local Special Olympics organizer after he returned home only to be greeted by a blind, mentally handicapped woman. "It was terrible," remarked Farmer. "I was ready to step into the shower and have a relaxing masturbatory session after seeing a hot soccer mom at the gas station. But when I got home, there was this blind woman at my door who wasn't wearing her glasses. All you could see was the white part of her eyes, and she had white flecks of spittle forming in the corners of her mouth. After that, I couldn't pleasure myself for about a month."

 

The case was settled out of court.

In response to the lawsuit, the Salvation Army issued this statement on their website: "We are aware of the complaints about our bell ringers being increasingly unattractive in recent years. However, since this is a volunteer service, we have no control over who participates." They have, however, issued a new "clarification" on their website, asking for more attractive bell ringers to help out.