Miami, Florida: This morning Keiko the killer whale (star of the Free Willy movie series) was found dead in a Miami hotel room. Police are only giving out sketchy details, but it is reported that there were several empty boxes of SuzyQs found at the scene, and a white substance found oozing out of the blow-hole.

 

"This is terrible" cried Free Willy co-star Billy Nobody, "she was really depressed after the movie offers stopped coming. Then they moved her to Oregon. What a terrible thing to do to any animal." Biologists have been critical of the time Keiko spent in Oregon. "Hippies are very dirty, and they dominate that entire region," commented renowned whale expert Leslie Fishface. "Not only was Keiko exposed to hippies, commies, and latte lesbians, she also had to swim nude in a tank while the Portland perverts would stand around and stuff tuna down their pants. No wonder she ended up leaving for Florida."

 

Ten years ago, you may recall that Keiko had an affair with the shark from Jaws. The breakup was very messy, as Keiko (suffering from a severe case of PMS) ended up eating the great white shark. It is also rumored that while in Oregon, Keiko was introduced to Courtney Love, who is known to have a very expensive heroin addiction. Several viles were found in the hotel room, but police aren't yet commenting on what the contents were.

 

Washed up actors committing suicide is nothing new, but it seems to be happening at an increasing rate. Clint Howard (brother of Ron Howard) and Tom Hanks' son (whose name is unknown to anyone but his father) have both starred in movies, but have not come close to living up to their more famous relatives. Both have been put on suicide watch.