Madeline Albright - Former Secretary of Hate (played "The Penguin" in the original Batman television series). Good: America-hating, Bush-bashing cunt. Has fewer critical thinking skills than Kucinich (gave North Korea the "assistance" which allowed them to build the nukes that are now pointed at US). Bad: Fugly, probably very bad in bed, feminazis don't cook Watch Out: Tendency to say "Smeegal love precious" (at which point you'd better run)
	October Lewis - Admitted member of the Portland Seven (a terrorist group that planned to kill hundreds of Jews in the Portland area, but instead tried to sneak into Assramistan in order to kill American G.I.s) Good: Opposed to the Patriot Act, supports your "Department of Peace" idea, vehement anti-Semite Bad: There isn't a paper bag thick enough to hide that fugly face Watch Out: Unless you convert to Wahabbism, consider yourself dead meat. If you choose her, the American people (who aren't nearly as stupid as you think they are) will not vote for you
	Ralph Nader - Renowned consumer advocate, and "Miserable Failure" Green Party (Commie) Presidential Spoiler Good: Hates America, anti-Capitalist, has a huge lemming fan base, and (according to one of Al Gore's campaign staffers) is very probably gay Bad: Lanky and unattractive, looks like he has Bell's Palsy Watch Out: Spending more than an hour with his "friends" will make you want to kill yourself
	Asslee Juggs - Famed White House intern and noted slutburger Good: Big boobs, can suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Snappy dresser - notice the "I Miss Doogie Hauser" T-Shirt. Asslee loved that show (sob)! Bad: Founding member of the "Kobe Bryant Hotel Chair Club." Will reportedly fuck anything with a pulse (and some things without one).  Watch Out: She will tell everyone absolutely everything, and is as dumb as aquarium gravel (not that there's anything wrong with that).
	Bertha - Winner of the 2003 Dr. Phil Weight Loss Contest Good: Plenty to go around. Can be hollowed out and used as an emergency shelter in case of nuclear war. Bad: 800 lbs... Need I say more? Watch Out: Several al Qaeda sleeper cells may be hiding in the folds of her flesh
	Tawana Shamiqua Lee - World renowned scatologist and part time social worker. Good: Excellent cook. Wonderful taste in hatwear. Bad: 23 children from 23 different men. Looking for someone to pay her bills and look after her keeeyads. Watch Out: Hates whitey (and that means YOU).
	Michael Jackson - Musical "genius" and self-described "King of Poop," Jackson has sold more record albums than the Clinton Administration has sold nuclear secrets to China and North Korea Good: Famous, rich, and owns a large ranch called "Neverland" which is perfect for Kucinich's childish mind (Ashton Kutcher may even want to come along and share his political "opinions") Bad: Has sleepovers with lil' boys, will soon be completely broke Watch Out: Face will melt under those hot television lights at your inauguration

Update: As a result of a date with one of the Candidates, Cooper is now in the hospital with an STD. Click to see what happened.