Ask the 'Tard

Dear ‘tard,

I’ve got a stye in my right eye, and it’s really irritating. I don’t have insurance, so going to the doctor isn’t an option. I was wondering if you could help me.

Jack

Dear Jack,

OW! I hate styes (I used to get them when I was a kid). As my mom always said, take a teaspoon of salt, pour it carefully into your eye, hold it there for about two minutes, then rinse it out with water. Do this 2-3 times a day, and the stye will be gone in no time!

Hey Retard,

You sound like a real WingNut. People who are intelligent don’t have a blind devotion to their country, WingNut, and that leaves you out. I was wondering what your position is on gay marriage. Since you’re such a right winger, I’m sure you’re against it (and hate "fags" because you are a big homophobe), right WingNut?

Actually, I have no problem with gays. What they do is their own business. Even though it’s ridiculous to refer to a homosexual couple hooking up as "marriage," I have no problem with them having parental rights, property rights, and contractual rights. I see no reason why we shouldn’t allow civil unions (and if their church wants to perform a "ceremony" that’s fine with me).

However, since I’m a Democrat running for president, I’m afraid I have to put my personal opinions aside and tow the Terry McAuliffe line when it comes to things like talking down the economy and blaming America for 9/11. As you recall, right after the WTC was attacked, we Democrats (you included, I’m sure) spent the next two years coming up with all sorts of excuses as to why Muslims hate America. Unfortunately, the claims that it was Bush’s foreign policy or his relationship with the oil industry fell flat. So in order to remain true to Democrat party principles, I must do all I can to ensure that we DON’T offend the Muslims. Gay marriage is an extremely offensive concept to even the most moderate member of the Religion of Peace. Therefore, in the interest of appeasement, we have to OPPOSE gay marriage. In fact, we should probably lock up all five "Queer Eye" homos before we offend those one billion Muslims we’re always told we shouldn’t piss off, right Mr. Dumbass?

Dear Tard,

I just moved into a new house, and there are ants all over the place. I’ve tried those traps you buy at the store, but nothing seems to work. Do you have any suggestions?

Debbie

Dear Debbie,

Yes. First of all, don’t even try to step on them. They have a hard, crunchy shell which makes them impervious to attack. Here’s what you do. Buy an ant farm (or two). Catch the little critters and put them in there. Then feed them, give them water, and take really good care of them. As anyone who has ever had an ant farm knows, they’ll all be dead within a week.

Dear ‘tard,

I emailed you last week about my stye. I took your advice, but now my eye is red, swollen, and it’s bleeding. I can’t see out of it, and I can’t go out in public. What happened?

Jack

Dear Jack,

Oops! Sorry about that. I was going to email you again, but I forgot. My mom reminded me that salt is what you use for CANKER SORES. For a stye, you’re supposed to put a hot compress on your eye (get a rag, soak it with hot water, ring it out, them hold it on your eyelid for a few minutes). That should help you NEXT time. For now, you should probably go to the emergency room. And to make up for your impending permanent loss of sight, I’m sending you a free ‘tard hat.