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With the rise of such radical Eco-Terrorist groups as ALF, ELF, and MILF ("Mammals I'd Like to Fuck"), America has
come under increasing attack from within. The behaviors and philosophy of the average male eco-terrorist can best be summed
up in three words: "Peter Pan Syndrome." This syndrome (simply put) is "the refusal to grow up" (because as
John Cougar Mellonhead said so well "growin' up leads to growin' old, then to dying"). Women (and I use that term
loosely) in the environmentalist movement suffer from a similar disorder known as the "Cinderella Complex." This disorder is
a sexual attraction to "bad boys," combined with the inability to forge one's own way in life, such as (Gaia forbid)
getting a job and contributing something positive to society. When they aren't committing acts of extreme vandalism, ALFers
and ELFers can be quite entertaining. They seem to live in a fantasy world in which animals are our "friends."
A core myth embraced by ALF is that animals are "intelligent," when they're really no more intelligent (or
appreciative) than your average Towelhead or Euro.
Not surprisingly, animals don't seem to love each other the way ALF activists love them. There are numerous examples
of mink being "liberated" from farms, only to die within a week. The most recent (and funny) example comes to us from Sultan,
Washington, where a mink farm was broken into (and thousands of mink allowed to escape). Of the 1000 that weren't re-captured,
most have been eaten by animals, shot, run over, or have even cannibalized each other! When asked
about this, ALF spokesmoron Jared Whitebottom lamented "Dude, we routinely burn down meat markets and protest outside
of KFC. After we free these animals, you would think they would at least have the gratitude to go out and make a Disney
movie or write us a "thank you" card, but we get no 'props' at all. My dreadlocks and overpowering body odor are
supposed to let the animals know that I'm one of them. Of course, I'm stoned out of my gourd right now, so what
the fuck do I know?"
Without a doubt, the most violent radical group is the Earth Liberation Front (ELF). Former spokesperson Craig Rosebraugh
(predictably, an ex-Portlander) is quite open about his pro-terrorist views. I would like to show you a picture of Mr.
Rosebraugh, but his hideously ugly mug would most likely cause your hard drive to crash. When they aren't torching
ski lodges or spiking trees, members of ELF like to focus their attention on destroying any and all advances in the area
of Genetically Modified Foods. Recently, ELF admitted its participation in the destruction of a GMO research project.
The project had culminated with the invention of a new type of rice (rich in Vitamin A) which could have
grown in the harshest climates of Africa. This rice would have solved the problem of the 40,000 African children who
go blind each year due to a lack of Vitamin A. When asked about the consequences of his actions (and how the African
children now have no hope of preventing blindness), ELF spokesperson Dylan Jared Seth said "Hey, it's not that difficult,
man. The 'Africans,' you called them? Yeah, they should just go to Nature's or an organic co-op and buy some
seeds there." After being asked how "normal" seeds are supposed to grow in the African desert, Seth's
eyes rolled back into his head, and he collapsed to the floor (foaming at the mouth). At this time, it is not known whether
the collapse was due to running a $100 question through a 10 cent brain (or if it was just a routine heroin overdose).
The most disturbing development is the emergence of a new, more sinister group called "ChiLF" (the Children's
Liberation Front). Their stated mission is to "rescue" toddlers from day care centers, schools, and "repressive" Christian
homes. Unfortunately, after the "liberation" of more than 100 preschool students in the Denver area, many of
the children died of starvation, were eaten by wolves, got hit by cars, or froze to death in the snow. "It's not my
fault they don't have trust funds," commented Peyton Butterfly Horseface, spokeswoman for ChiLF. Ms. Horseface then offered
to take off her shirt and bare her flapjacks for the assembled news cameras as a form of protest (but she was quickly
rebuffed by the members of the sighted community - thank Christ!).
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| ALF Members Liberate Poochies from San Francisco Korean Deli |
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