Job Tips for the Socially Retarded (and everyone else)

1. When filling out an application, use your best penmanship. If it looks like shit, I’m not reading it. If it looks really bad, I’m showing it around the office.
2. Don’t list your fraternity on your resume. The fact that you’ve committed gang rape (or fucked a goat to get in the frat) doesn’t impress me. The only people you might impress are other goat fuckers, binge drinkers and rapists.
3. Do call back and ask if I’ve read your resume/application. It makes a difference.
4. Do include military service on your resume. If you don’t quite fit the job, I’ll do my best to squeeze you in (or refer you to another department that has an opening).
5. Do dress appropriately. Take the ring out of your nose and the spike out of your eyebrow. Better yet, just stay home.
6. Don't cross anything out on your application. If you make a mistake, use White-Out (or those white tape things). It has to look professional. 
7. Don't be greedy. If you're applying for a position that pays $45,000 a year, don't put down $80,000 in the "salary desired" column hoping you'll get lucky. This is a horrible negotiating technique, and you will eliminate yourself immediately. Find out (as best you can) what the job pays BEFORE you write down your desired salary. If it doesn't pay what you're looking for, don't waste your time (or mine).
8. When appearing for a job interview, DON’T wear one of those socially retarded Lance Armstrong wristbands. You look like a moron and a tool. Wait until you’re hired before letting everyone know what a mindless lemming you are.
9. Don't be a dumbass. Be sure to LEARN something about the company you're going to interview with (unlike the troglodytes who write me hate mail). Spend at least 15 minutes online learning what the company does, who its competitors are, and if possible what your position entails.
10. Do have a purpose. When asked "Why do you want to work here?" make sure your response is better than "I just want a job." People who send out 100 generic Xeroxed cover letters have no chance against those who send out a select few specific cover letters. Make sure to tailor your cover letter to suit the position you're applying for (as opposed to the "I'll take anything" letters which get tossed in the trash).
11. Don’t try to impress me with your bone-crunching handshake. Limp, clammy, weak handshakes are even worse. Be normal.
12. In an interview, don’t act like my pal. You may be the same age as I am, but if you joke that we both have some gray hair, the interview is over.
13. Do try to be on time for the interview. If you’re a few minutes late, apologize, and I’ll be fine with it. If you don’t apologize (or say "thanks for the lunch," if it’s a lunch interview) you’ll never get a job with me. Nobody likes a clueless asshole.
14. Don’t discuss any political volunteer work. If you’re a liberal or a Vegan, this will be difficult, but please try to act like an adult for 30 minutes.
15. Don’t talk about your kids or family. Your marital status is off limits (employers aren’t allowed to ask, so don’t volunteer it). If you’re a single mom, keep it to yourself. Leaving early every day to pick up Jr. from the babysitter’s (therefore leaving your coworkers to pick up your slack) is not something to brag about.
16. Do be creative with your resume (but don’t go overboard). If I get 20 resumes, and 19 of them are on plain white paper and one is in a blue folder, I’m going to notice the folder (but don’t put it in a hard cover binder, that’s annoying).
17. Do get the skills needed for the position. The last thing I want to hear is "I don’t have much experience with PowerPoint, but I’m willing to learn." Learn it.

How to Keep Your Job (or Climb the Ladder)

As a manager, I have learned through experience what does and doesn’t work. I am an expert on workplace behavior, and I’ve pretty much seen it all (except for an office shooting or two people having sex in the broom closet, but I’m still relatively young). Do you want to know why your manager likes certain people over others? Factoring out the "old school" bosses (who play favorites and give promotions to the ass-kissing brown nosers who go to their golf tournaments) the reason is simple. Ask yourself this: Do you make your manager’s job easier or more difficult? Do you give your manager MORE work or less? That’s all there is to it.

I can think of my best employees. When they have a problem, they come to me (with a solution in hand). They’ll say, for example, that a customer is pissed off about something. Without simply dumping it in my lap (because I’m fucking busy) they’ll say "We can either refund them $600, or take it off their next order – which one do you prefer?" These people already have the paperwork drawn up. I then make a choice, approve the credit (or refund, or whatever) and move on with my busy day. Poor employees, on the other hand, will simply leave the problem at my doorstep like a pile of dog shit for me to scrape off. Which employee do you think will go further?

Now that I’ve dispensed this advice (worth thousands of dollars over your lifetime), here’s a list of the types of employees we all have to deal with on a daily basis:

The Ass Kisser – To some extent, we are ALL ass kissers. Think about when you’re talking to the president of your company, and he/she makes an unfunny joke (and you laugh your ass off without even thinking about it). In order to succeed, we all have to pucker up now and then (but some people really take it to extremes). I’m not big on "hanging out" with the boss (or coworkers) after hours (and I sure as hell don’t go to golf outings or fishing trips). This has hurt me to some extent, but I make up for it with hard work, creativity, and talent. In other words, I'm an invaluable member of the team.

The Braggart – This is the guy who (after landing a small contract or win) doesn’t shut up about it for a year. The people who usually win BIG contracts are often the most humble about it. This is a law of nature.

The Bullshit Artist – Unlike the Braggart (who actually accomplishes something) the Bullshit Artist likes to drone on (loudly) about all the things he USED to do at his old company and how he’s going to do them at THIS company. Of course, he’s completely full of shit and after about a year he turns into Mr. "At My Old Company" – talking incessantly (again, the louder the better) about how good he had it at his former company (and how fucked up your company is).

The Quiet One – This is the guy who never says anything and keeps a low profile. Then, when you’re in the middle of telling someone about the movie you saw, this guy wanders up and starts talking about it. You are stunned, as you were certain that he was a mute.

The Whore – Women who dress provocatively aren’t "doing it for themselves," they’re doing it to get noticed by men (period). Receptionists used to be the biggest office sluts, but there are now more slutty women in sales. They are able to get their foot into virtually any door (but they usually aren’t very successful). Some of these women will actually have sex with clients to get the business. Ultimately, it has been my experience that the best female sales reps are average looking (and don’t dress like whores). Why? They actually work instead of expecting everything to be handed to them on a silver platter (or should I say satin sheets?).

The Old Schooler – The beloved WWII generation is dying out. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for the POST-WWII generation of assholes who still think it’s 1975. They make inappropriate sexual and racial jokes, massage women’s shoulders and generally act like a complete prick. The only person who ACCEPTS this behavior is (predictably) the office slut. She will act like she likes it (until she gathers enough evidence for a multi- million-dollar lawsuit). Why are so many American companies failing? Shockingly, there are still a large number of Old Schoolers in positions of power. Get them out, and America’s troubles are over.

The Crybaby – This is the woman (or feminized male) who cries at the drop of a hat. Argument with a coworker? She cries. Criticism from her supervisor? She cries. Forgot her birthday? Get the Kleenex.

The Credit Taker – This is the guy (or gal) who takes credit for a subordinate’s good idea. They are also some of the most insecure people you’ll ever meet. They don’t actually come out and say "I did this," but they will take credit by default (by not pointing out where the idea came from).

The Name Dropper – Similar to the Ass Kisser, the Name Dropper likes to have as many friends (allies) as possible in upper management to ensure he gets his big break when there’s an opening. Unfortunately, it usually works.

The Sports Homo – I’m not talking about guys who follow sports (or even play sports). I’m talking about the men who are so obsessed with male-on-male activity that they are unquestionably repressed homosexuals. They’re easy to spot at the gym (because they grunt and yell "That’s my boy!" when they’re watching the game). At work, they’re usually the ones who start the Superbowl pool or talk about how their team is going to "get their asses pumped" by Nebraska this weekend. Yep, they’re homos all right.

The Nine to Fiver – This is the person who comes in right at 9:00 and leaves right at 5:00 (or whatever hours they’re required to work). They never show up early (or work one minute late, even if there’s a need for it). They also like to employ the phrase "that’s not in my job description" at least a dozen times each day.

The Cliché Artist – These are perhaps the most annoying people you’ll ever work with. Instead of using intelligence, hard work, or talent, they rely on whatever cliché-of-the month is en vogue at the time. Some examples are thinking outside the box, shifting paradigms, or whatever else they read in a magazine. Be warned: these idiots will often employ Japanese business terms such as "kanban," (even though they don’t really know what the fuck they’re talking about).