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After taking my wife out to dinner last night (in downtown Shitsville,
USA), I have come to realize that I was a bit too harsh when I said that I don’t want to "unite" with the leftists in
this country (you know, the ones who thought we deserved 9/11?). Bush wants us to reach out, and that’s exactly what
I’ll do. There were several things that changed my mind:
As I drove downtown and began to turn into the parking garage, a socially
retarded Kerry driver jumped two lanes and darted toward the entrance. Since I was in such an excellent post-election mood
(like most people reading this) I broke my rule of forcing Kerry drivers to act like adults for once in their lives. It was
a big mistake. Not only did this assclown NOT say "thank you" after I let him go ahead of me, he drove a car which was
billowing out large visible amounts of toxic smoke (which my wife and I had to inhale while waiting for the dipshit to press
the button and retrieve his parking stub). It was interesting to note that this fucktard had a "mother earth" sticker on his
car (a car which clearly hadn’t passed inspection) in addition to his Kerry-Edwards placard. While he attempted the
seemingly monumental task of pushing the fucking button and getting his parking stub printed out, his car died twice (and
started to roll backwards towards us). Fortunately (for him) he was able to avoid backing into my car. Once he got the stub,
he merrily drove off to find a parking space, completely oblivious to the world around him. For the sake of "unity," I found
his car and left him a present. I hope he enjoyed the snot-filled goober I left for him on his door handle. Fucking asshole…..
Inside the parking garage, my car was the only one that didn’t have
an anti-Bush or pro-Kerry bumper sticker on it. You may recall the story of the time I took my wife downtown (on her birthday),
only to encounter an American Taliban and his 300 lb wife. Until now, I’d thought that I had merely been in a bad mood
that day, and the al Qaeda sleeper cell only made it worse. I now realize I was wrong. The reason I was in such a foul mood
had more to do with the fact that I live in one of the most pro-Islamist, anti-American cities on the planet (including Fallujah).
My city is crawling with anarchists, nihilists, and Kerry sycophants (who STILL don’t know why he lost the election).
Most of the idiots in the parking garage had multiple bumper stickers on their cars. The car I parked next to had "Kerry-Edwards,"
"Bush Lied!" and the oh-so witty "Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing its idiot" bumper stickers. Gee, how clever….
Finally, after we finished eating, we left the restaurant and walked back
to the parking garage, hearing chants of "This is what democracy looks like" and "Impeach King Bush." That’s right,
a rally (organized by the peace-loving Kerry supporters that Bush is somehow supposed to "reach out" to) had just started.
The protest was organized by a liberal 527 called "America Coming Together." The irony of such a name was surely lost on the
troglodytes who attended. The garbage at the rally (mostly punk wannabes and their aging hag counterparts) couldn’t
believe that Bush had been reelected by such a wide margin. When I got home, I saw them on the news. One moron said that she
couldn’t believe the results of the election, and that it HAD TO have been rigged. Another woman (an old crone who worked
for the Kerry campaign) was actually crying about how scared she is at what happened to "her" country. The nose ring crowd
was in full temper tantrum mode.
As a result of my experiences last night, I have concluded that I need to "reach out" to this segment of the population.
It would be unfair to expect them to evolve to my level (and act like civilized human beings who actually give a shit about
this country). Therefore, I have decided to speak to them "in their own language" as it were.
I have created a new product, which I will provide to the good people who think that Bush is the antichrist. It’s
called the "Anti-imperialism Box Cutter," emblazoned with the photograph of leading "freedom fighter" Mohammed Atta. This
multi-purpose, stainless steel, razor sharp knife has three practical uses for disaffected Kerry supporters:
Fashion Statement – Wearing Che Guevara T-shirts is sooooooooo 1990’s. It’s 2004, for
Christ’s sake, get with the program. Making heroes out of commies isn’t nearly as cool as embracing the
new global Islamist movement. Don’t be the last one in your co-operative hemp and anthrax collective to own one! Just
clip it on to your belt, and you're all ready to block traffic and show everyone how cool and 'ironic' you are!
Peeling off your Kerry-Edwards stickers – It’s bad enough that you’re a moron with an
eyebrow ring and a railroad spike through the bridge of your nose. There’s no need to advertise it (and lower the resale
value of your piece of crap car). While you’re at it, don’t forget to scrape off the "Dude, Where’s My Country?"
bumper sticker. Dumbass.
Suicide – I know this is a difficult time for those of you who think that Bush is the "real" terrorist.
In fact, it’s probably a good time to cash in your chips. Sure, you wanted to move to Canada, but the Canadian government
said it would only accept "hard working, decent Americans," and that leaves you out. Those of you who think Bush STOLE the
election and is creating a theocracy in America should just do us all a favor and give it up. While preparing to slice open
your wrist, please resist the urge to slash other people’s tires. I realize you’re a democrap, and your union
boss or MorOn.org told you to do this (especially if you live in Wisconsin), but it’s actually a crime. After all, you’re
about to leave us in peace. You wouldn’t want to score any negative karma points with Gaia or the Dalai Lama, or whatever
fad religion-of-the-week you belong to. Adios, fuckface.
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