Teresa Heinz Kerry

Welcome to the first (and probably last) Cooper for President White Trash Awards! The WT Awards were created to give needed attention to a much-overlooked segment of the population (white trashers). Although many people mistakenly hold on to the notion that the "white trash" label is reserved strictly for poor people who live in metal houses with wheels, nothing could be further from the truth. White Trash is not an income level, it is a state of mind, an attitute, and a lifestyle choice. There are in fact four types of white trashers:

In the Low Grade category, the hands-down winner is 19 year old Amber Sessions of Roseburg, Oregon. In addition to having a classic white trash name (per the Cooper for President White Trash Guide), Amber was recently arrested after photographs surfaced which showed her "partying" with her two sons (age 1 and 2). Going all out to win White Trash Teen Mom of the Year, Ms. Sessions wasn't satisfied with just getting drunk in front of her children, she actually got THEM drunk (at one point using a beer bong). You can't get much more Low Grade White Trash than that. Congratulations, Amber, and may you rot in hell.

This year's Middle Class white trash winner is a shameless lipstick lesbian who is married to one of presidential candidate Michael Cooper's former high school classmates. At a recent party, "Mrs. X" as we'll call her, proudly announced to several people that she has had more than a handful of bisexual experiences. Remember, to a Middle Class white trasher, what you do in life is not nearly as important as bragging loudly to everyone within earshot about it (especially if it's a deeply personal matter, and there are children around). Remember Aristotle's famous question: If a lipstick lesbian "experiments" with another woman in a forest (and there's nobody around to brag about it to), did she actually commit the act? The answer is no.

Finishing a close second is the rather large woman who sat next to Michael Cooper at the gym recently. In pure white trash style, she sat in the excercise bike right next to Mr. Cooper (although there were about a dozen bikes open). Once she started peddling, she promptly called her friend and started bragging about how she's joined a gym and was AT THAT VERY MOMENT working out. After going over the plans for this weekend's party, the woman closed her cell phone and promptly went home. She was on the bike for a total of seven minutes. Again, what you DO in life doesn't matter. It's talking about it that counts (to a middle class white trasher).

This year's Nuveau Riche category is a no-brainer. Michael Moore takes home the grand prize (and will likely fry it in beer batter before eating it). There's nothing like earning millions of dollars by making anti-American propaganda and helping America's sworn enemies in a time of war. And he still dresses like a fat, unshaven Beaver Cleaver. You can almost see the wavy stink lines eminating from his photographs. Christ, won't he please just die already?

Finally, our Blue Blood competition was a squeaker (until this week). Congratulations to Teresa Heinz Kerry for being the absolute tackiest, loudest, brashest Blue Blood White Trash bitch on the planet. Not only does she embody every negative stereotype about western women, she's able to fool feminized males and feminazis into thinking she's just "a woman who speaks her mind." Her comment that Laura Bush "never had a real job" just goes to prove that Ms. Heinz considers anything less than spreading your legs for a billionaire to be beneath her. And when she was caught, she had her spokeswoman lie for her (saying she had "forgotten" that Laura Bush had been a schoolteacher and a librarian, even though she knew it all along). And it's pretty obvious to everybody that Ms. Kerry is doped-out on something (a tradition for blue blood white trashers dating back to the Kennedys). And for the love of Christ, would someone please get this woman a comb?