As pointed out everywhere, thinking people have picked apart many of the self-contradictory lines spewed by John Kerry at last week's debate. Here's a question for John F. Kerry: Since he thinks the coalition in Iraq is illegitimate because America is footing 90% of the bill, doesn't that also mean that the U.N. is illegitimate? After all, there are 191 member nations, but the United States pays 22% of the cost. Japan is a close second with 19.5%. Since two countries are paying 41.5% of the total dues, isn't the United Nations a complete sham? The answer is 'yes,' of course, but for more reasons than just funding.  Everybody knows that the U.N. allows genocide, rape, and terrorism to run rapant without batting an eye. They're more concerned with calling America "the least generous nation in the world," as Kofi Annan did in 2000. I don't think John Kerry or his hand puppets in the "mainstream" media got around to mentioning this small fact.

 

Kerry's biggest gaffe last Thursday was saying America should only take pre-emptive action if it passes a so-called "Global Test." What the hell does that mean, exactly? I'm glad you asked. The Cooper for President team has obtained a copy of the super-secret Kerry-Heinz-Annan-Zarqawi first draft of the "Global Test." Here it is:

 

 

When faced with defending itself, the United States must first get permission. Here are the questions to ponder in such an event (please use a #2 pencil):

 

1) Is America the only country threatened? If so, the war is illegal.

 

2) Is there genocide involved? Genocide is just Gaia's way of thinning out the herd.

 

3) Are the Jooooos involved? If it involves terrorism, the Jews probably caused it.

 

4) Can America be blamed? Perhaps the United States hasn't built enough day care centers. Try that first and get back to us.

 

5) Are you SURE the Jews aren't responsible? It sounds like a Mossad plot.

 

6) Would America's military action end up revealing a financial scandal between the U.N. and a brutal dictatorship? If so, the war is illegal.

 

7) Are the French on board? They're pretty saavy, those French people. Why, back during the Cuban Missile Crisis....blah....blah....ribbit...ribbit....

 

8) Would America's military action offend Muslims? We don't want a repeat of The Crusades.

 

9) Are Christians being killed? If so, our fingers are going right into our ears. La la la. Can't hear you! La la la la.

 

10) Is it a Republican president or a Democrat president? This makes all the difference to the BBC. 

 

11) Has the dictator in question been given enough time to comply with the previous 12 resolutions? Perhaps he's got a bad back and can't get around very quickly. Let's give him another decade or two.

 

12) Are the U.N. sanctions causing children to die? If so, let's keep them in place a bit longer. We like it when people blame America for children dying, and we'd hate to see the sanctions lifted.

 

13) Bonus Question: Are you absolutely certain that the Jews aren't behind this?