As much as I love this country and am proud to call myself an American, there are times I look around at my fellow Yanks and ask "What the hell is wrong with these people?" It's no secret that we're basically a country of lemmings. That's not to say that Europeans are any better (they're not). But whatever happened to "rugged individualism?" It seems to me we've become a nation of followers.

 

Case in point: Last week I told a couple of female cowokers that I had heard on the news that the latest fad (Lance Armstrong wristbands) are selling out at a record clip. In fact, there are over a million on backorder. I believe the term I used to describe them was "socially retarded." You should have seen their reaction - shock, anger, disgust. I quickly realized that I need to be more careful about what I criticize (especially among those in our society who are dedicated to following the dominant culture and being thoroughly unoriginal).

 

Today I see them everywhere. Men, women, the young, the old, and people of all races and creeds are wearing these goddamn stupid (and YES, SOCIALLY RETARDED) yellow wristbands. In fact, if you look closely at the latest battle footage from Najaf, you'll see several insurgents wearing them. It's time to call a spade a spade and say ENOUGH already!!!

 

In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, the Lance Armstrong Foundation is selling yellow wristbands, with the proceeds going to cancer research (a very worthy cause, of course). But let's be honest, if Lance Armstrong had LOST the Tour de France, these things wouldn't be selling nearly as quickly as they are. Although I'm sure a handful of people are genuinely interested in helping others, the majority of wristbanders are simply jumping on the wristbandwagon. Yellow wristbands are the new AIDS ribbons. They're the new Swatch Watches, and I want no part of them.

 

My office now looks like a maternity ward, with everybody wearing yellow wristbands. It's gotten re-goddamn-diculous, and I refuse to wear one. My boss even came around this morning with some extras he had bought. He was passing them around to everyone in the office and asking for a dollar. I gave him a buck but told him "no thanks" when he handed me the bracelet. He told me they were a way to make people aware of cancer, so I mentioned that I already donate money to several good causes without drawing unnecessary attention to myself. I futher insisted that pretty much everyone already knows about cancer. He then told me "Come on, wear the thing." Anybody who knows me (or has seen this website for more than five minutes) knows that telling me to do something (just because everyone else is doing it) is the perfect way to guarantee that I WON'T do it.

 

Again, my intent is not to make fun of the Lance Armstrong Foundation, nor is it to make light of cancer. The cause is certainly a very worthy one. Of course, if people truly felt that way, they would just donate money to the Lance Armstrong Foundation without going out of their way to draw attention to themselves. Why do people have to wear a wristband? Because donating money to fighting cancer anonymously isn't the latest "fad," wearing a wristband is. 'Nuff said.

 

PS: If you're a regular Cooper reader, and you want to send me an email kicking my ass for daring to insult the almighty yellow wristband, please do (don't worry, I won't publish it as "hate mail," unless it's really nasty). And don't ask "what about yellow ribbons?" That's a non-argument. Everybody knows that yellow ribbons are a way of remembering our troops who are in harm's way overseas. It's crucial that we are reminded of the sacrifice they're making. Seeing a dipshit with a yellow bracelet does nothing for me. If you really want to help fight cancer (or help ease the suffering of people with the disease), hand out cards or letters, send out emails, hold fundraisers, volunteer at a hospital, or donate money to any worthy cancer-fighting cause (including the Lance Armstrong Foundation). In fact, perhaps someone should start a fundraiser to pay Lance to STOP cranking out these uber socially retarded bracelets.