This week in court, attorneys for Low-Class Private First Class Lynndie England implored the presiding judge
to take Ms. England's "Brown Star" award into consideration during the sentencing phase. England (a 22-year-old single mom
from West Vagina) is a central figure in the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal at Abu Ghraib. In photographs taken at the prison,
she is clearly shown laughing and pointing at the dangling genitals of male Iraqi prisoners (as she takes a drag on a dangling
cigarette). Other photos show Ms. England pulling a poor lil ol' bloodthirsty Iraqi terrorist on a dog leash, which American
scholars have widely accepted as the most horrific act of brutality the world has ever seen (including the Holocaust,
The Rape of Nanking, and the movie "13 Going on 30").
At her court-martial, lawyers for the visibly pregnant England painted a very different picture of their
client, citing a "Brown Star" medal she was awarded by her compatriots for (among other things) "Providing much needed stress
relief" and "Being a good sport." Several hundred witnesses have come forward to defend Ms. England as a "hero" for performing
"wifely duties" on several dozen of her fellow soldiers (as well as a half-dozen Iraqi prisoners, an Iraqi farmer, and his
prize goat, Khalid).
When the judge pointed out that Ms. England's injuries were caused by her own VOLUNTARY behavior,
her attorneys were quick to note that John Kerry's Vietnam injuries (for which he received three Purple Hearts, a Silver Star,
a Daytime Emmy, and an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor) were also most likely self-inflicted. At that, the judge adjourned
for the afternoon and promised to take the matter into consideration, as long as Ms. England helps him "burp the worm."
We're not sure what that last part meant, but we're pretty certain WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW!
