All Japanophiles to be Interned!!!

Today, President Bush issued an executive order calling for the internment of all Japanophiles. For the first time in 60 years, U.S. citizens will be rounded up and sent to Relocation Camps.

Unlike FDR's controversial decision to intern Americans of Japanese ancestry during WWII, this order is being hailed by all races and creeds. The Justice Department has already started implementation of this mass internment, and several thousand letters ordering Japanophiles to report to the camps have already been sent out.

"This is a great day for America" said Bush. "Unlike Japanese-Americans, who proudly served our country in WWII (even after their families were interned), Japanophiles serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever." Renowned behavioral psychologist Joe Needledick, agrees. "This whole fascination with 'anime' has gotten way out of hand, and drastic steps like this are really the only chance we have at ridding ourselves of these people."

Needledick then went on to detail the 10 traits of a typical "Japanophile:"

1) Owns 3 or more 'Dragon Ball' DVDs (or God forbid, SOUNDTRACKS)

2) Spends at least 14 hours per week watching 'Akira'

3) Loves 'Princess Mononoke' or 'Inu Yasha,' and reads far too much meaning into these (and other) crap-can cartoons

4) Is socially retarded and can't get a date

5) Prefers 'hentai' (cartoons of naked pixie girls or 'up the skirt' shots) over real women

6) Can name at least 5 Miyazaki movies

7) Is pasty white (and looks like a glass of milk with hair)

8) Has 'mutton chop' sideburns

9) Is bald (or is quickly headed in that direction)

10) Has a tendency to bore everyone he meets with his 'anime' fixation

.. These 10 traits are indicictive of the social retards known as "Japanophiles." Needledick also pointed out that most of these 'tards have never set foot in Japan, nor would they be wise to do so. Whenever these geeks go outside America, they are often mistaken for Europeans (and give Americans a very bad image overseas).

This week, Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi issued an apology for the massive spread of this fixation. "All we wanted to do was sell some DVDs and make a little money, but I swear that the Japanese people had no idea it would turn so many Americans into such complete dorks... These Japanophiles seem to think that the Japanese people love Anime as much as they do. I can honestly say that is simply not true. This internment will hopefully repair whatever damage has been done between our two great countries."

President Bush made his decision after a recent trip to a Seattle Suncoast Video, where he was shocked to see that the 'Anime' section now takes up over 1/3 of the entire store. The final straw was when a Secret Service Agent spotted a rack which sells Japanese 'ame' (candy) such as Pocky, Koala's March, and other assorted goodies (which are normally consumed by 6 to 8-year-old Japanese girls). In addition to the internment, the president has ordered that all video stores be purged of 'anime' sections, and that anyone who has seen "Spirited Away" or "My Friend Tottoro" more then 8 times will be immediately brought in front of a firing squad. It is widely expected that Roger Ebert will be the first to go (for which we are all grateful).

God Bless America!