Life Imitates Coop! - This week's article by P.T. (in which he kicked the crap out of a commie coworker by asking him what HIS immediate response was on 9/11) was our most prolific to date. This week, John Kerry had the gall to belittle President Bush for "just sitting there for seven minutes on 9/11." As it turns out, John Kerry admitted that after the second plane hit, HE sat at a table for FORTY MINUTES. And we've just been handed a memo from Kerry's cleaning lady that he also soiled himself on that fateful day. If the "mainstream" media ever asks Kerry about this, fifty bucks says he'll say "Well, I wasn't the president." Any takers?? PT, you were way ahead of the curve on this one, and we're sending you a coupon for a Triple Bypass Burger at Wendy's. Please don't poke a Marine in the chest while you're there.

Exclusive: Saddam Hussein's Poetry Revealed! - Last week it was revealed that innocent little doe-eyed Saddam Hussen has been spending his days eating muffins and writing poetry. It turns out Saddam is quite the wordsmith (and not just simple rhymes like "Eenie, meenie, miney, mo" when deciding which woman to rape). The CFP team has received several of his poems, and they're not that bad. Here they are.

You're FIRED! - Cooper's Florida Campaign Manager (and fisherman extraordinaire) P.T. has a must-read true story about how he got some lowlife Bush-bashing co-worker FIRED. Do you have people at work who keep talking about Fahrenheit 911? Perhaps this can serve as an inspiration!

Cool Site of the Week - Original CFP-  Once upon a time (November 2003), a 'tard named Cooper decided to create a website about running for president. It was written in the way a true leftist America-hating POS would write it. Unfortunately, it was too subtle, and it was scrapped a month later in favor of a full-blown satire and comedy version. Now's YOUR chance to see the ORIGINAL Cooper for Prez site (a site that only a handful of people have ever seen). There's even a "back door" to take you to the REAL CFP website. Can you find it?

Future News Headlines -  Master projectionist John F. Kerry has been on a tear as of late. In fact, he has replaced Leslie Clark as the lunatic of the Democratic party. His flips, flops, projecting, lying, and outright bullshitting have made his beliefs difficult to analyze (since they keep changing from minute to minute). However, based upon past statements, we're pretty confident that we can predict what he'll say next.

Guilty Pleasure Alert! - Presidential Candidate Michael Cooper should be ashamed of himself. He admits to (*gasp*) watching "Amish in the City" on UPN earlier in the week. The 'Coop tries to justify his behavior in his review of the show. Will it be convincing enough? You decide.

Redmond News Service is on a Roll!  If you're looking for news, we've got you covered! Jimmy Buffett Fans Attempt Riot, Sandy Sloppy Joe Burger Busted at Al-Qaeda Mart, and 15 Things You Have to Believe in Order to be a Liberal Democrat. Check it out!

Can't We All Just Get Along? - Since publishing Annie Jacobsen's article on odd airline behavior, we've received several emails (either skeptical or terrified). We continue our discussion on airline security - complete with an anectdote from Kim du Toit, an online Persian business guide, and other fun and prizes.

You MIGHT Be a Left-Wing Dipshit, IF.....  A couple of months ago, the Cooper for President team posted an online quiz (as a public service) to help determine if you happened to be a left-wing, commie dipshit. Reader Preston (aparently too young to even drive yet) sent us his responses. This kid has a great sense of humor, and it's worth taking a look at what he had to say.

Hello, I'm Doctor Richard Carmona, the Surgeon General of the United States. - I'm here today with a very important annoucement. More and more emergency rooms around the country are being filled by victims of RSID (Retarded Self-Induced De-limbing). More often than not, this is caused by ill-intentioned and ill-mannered citizens putting their hands on US Servicemen (and women). If you put your grubby mitts on a Marine, you're likely to pull back two bloody stumps. Please do your part to prevent RSID. Here's an example of what NOT to do.

Democratic Convention Ends with a SPLASH! - This weekend Senator Ted Kennedy (posing for photographs as the Michelin Man) re-enacted his famous "Car Dive" from 1969 at Chappaquiddick by driving his car into the Boston Harbor! Read all about it.

Tereza Heinz Ketchup Wows the Crowd! - This week, the Ketchup Queen gave a rousing speech at the Democratic National Convention. Although the sexist, racist, homophobic, ageist, so-and-sos in the evil coporate media completely ignored this woman's wonderful speech, Redmond News Service has it!