This is the Best the Democrats Have to Offer?? - John F. Kerry's speech at the Democrap National Convention left a lot to be desired (unless you're one of his knee-jerk, Bush-hating, lemming followers, in which case his speech probably brought tears to your eyes). Despite what the people who thought America "deserved" 9/11 say about it, I'm calling it like it is. Here's Cooper's honest analysis of the speech.

Summer Camp, Anyone? - Remeber the old "Vacation Bible School" you used to go to when you were a little tyke? Well they're back in business with a Davey and Goliath theme. What's more, the ACLU has mandated that they let in EVERYBODY! Which camp is right for YOUR child?

One Word: INCREDIBLE! - Presidential Candidate John F. Kerry promised he would make himself (and his policies) known to America with his "open and honest" convention speech. He did not disappoint. Here's the full transcript of the "Speech Heard 'Round the World." Trust me - you don't want to miss this one.

Stop the Presses, We Have a Winner! - J. Arroyo of San Diego, CA won the Offensive John Kerry Photo Caption Contest. How did he do it? Like a Florida Democrat, he voted TWICE (I didn't say you could only submit ONE entry). Check out the entire list (the two winning captions are at the very bottom).

John Edwards Calls for Creation of SECOND Department of Homeland Security - Wednesday evening John (Opie) Edwards surprised the assmbled asses at the Democratic National Convention when he called for the immediate construction of a SECOND Dept. of Homeland Security. What was his reasoning behind this? You'll just have to see for yourself.

Science News: Famed Russian cosmonaut Victor Imajagoff celebrated his 26th continuous year in orbit this week aboard the defunct Chernobyl Space Station. Imajagoff spent most of the week eating his own toe fungus and praying to God that he would finally be rescued (or killed by the Kryptonian super-criminals from Superman II).

Exclusive Shocker: John Kerry Divorce! It has been revealed to the Cooper for President team that John Kerry (fearful of losing the election) has dumped his foul, loudmouth un-American wife and replaced her with actress Jill Clayburgh! Just remember, you read about it first at Cooper for President!

Life is Wonderful! Mad props go out to Cooper supporter Marie, who (upon noticing I was getting a bit too angry as of late) recommended a good spiritualist and relaxation therapist. With extreme yoga, intense meditation, and a little dope, I have now become a much happier person! Life is wonderful, and NOTHING can get me down! Oh wait, what's THIS???

Michael Cooper's Greates Tits! - I mean "Greatest Hits." We've gone through our archives and determined the best of the best. These are the articles that got us the most links, favorable emails, and good Karma. Is YOUR favorite in here?

The Democrap National Convention Drinking Game! This week the Dems are in Beantown for their big nominating convention. Terry McAuliffe promises this will be a "positive" gathering. Color me skeptical, but at least you can have a little fun while you're watching them: The CFP Democrap Drinking Game.

The New Links Page is Up! - Thanks to all of you who linked us to your site. With the links page now active, you can set your home page to Cooper for President and fuggetaboutit. We've got you covered!

Psychic News Report! Redmond News Service ace reporter (Claire Voyant) reveals the results of the 2016 presidential race. Don't laugh, it could happen! Here's the winner.

The Second Sign of the Apocalypse - This week religious scholars confirmed that the second sign of the apocalypse is here - Jimmy Buffett's new album has reached #1. This news comes nearly three years after the attacks of 9/11/01 (the first sign). As a man who has made a ton of money performing to sold-out drunken crowds, Buffett (until now) never had a #1 album. His fans, who gleefully refer to themselves as "birdbrains" (or is it "parrotheads?") are thrilled at the news. Although the CFP team has not viewed the list of songs on the album (titled "Aloha Shirts, Mixed Drinks, and No Talent") we are certain they are the usual mix of tripe about getting drunk, having a "good time," and generally acting like an unproductive burden on society. Homeland Security has not decided whether or not to raise the alert level to "We're All Gonna Die." We'll keep you posted.

Hatemail from a Sleeper Cell Here's an email from a guy who calls himself "Mohammed" (gee what a unique name) in response to my recent postings about the Syrian musicians on Annie Jacobsen's flight: "Dear Mr. Asshole Cooper, You are a racist pig. You think all Muslims are terrorists, and you make jokes about Nour Mehana because you're ignorant. I'm an American Muslim, and I don't think all Christians are terrorists. You are a wing-nut moron." Actually, I don't think ALL Muslims are terrorists. But here's the main point. I may be a 'tard, but I know sarcasm when I see it. Mohammed wants some more, and I'm gonna give it to him. Here's Nour Mehana's Greatest Hits - Volume II.