Let me get this straight, you wrote an article on how actor Johnny Depp is a traitor, yet you don't even use one quote from him or the article. What does his career (in which you mentioned maybe a fourth of what he has done) have anything to do with his political standing or opinions? He had some good points in the article about how Americans are immature changing "French" fries to "Freedom"fries in spite of the French not supporting a war that we don't have sufficient proof or information on WMD's. THAT BASTARD. So what I want to know is what exactly is your point in your article? That since Johnny Depp doesn't wholeheartedly support our Presidents asinine decisions that he and his wife deserve to get cancer? Or is it that you wanted to make immature parodies of the title of movies he's been in? What is your point?

Dear Anon,

 

Let me start off by telling you how much I appreciate your email. This couldn't have come at a better time for me, as I have been going through spiritual meditation with Deepak Chopra in order to get control of my anger issues. I have made a promise to myself and my supporters that I will never again lose my temper. Your letter is the perfect test for me.

 

Even though there are at least four grammatical errors in your email, I'm not going to make fun of you. In fact, compared to previous emails I've received on the subject, yours looks like it was written by William fucking Shakespeare.. (Ok, no profanity.... Count to ten.....)

 

As a gesture of good will, I would like to point out a couple of obvious problems with your letter (which I'm sure weren't your fault). You were inaccurate when you said I didn't provide any quotes from the original 'kraut magazine interview. In that interview, Johnny Depp said that America was like a "dumb puppy" with "big teeth." Secondly, he said that he would like to take his son to America one day, so he could see it for the "broken toy" that it is.  Normally, the old Cooper would have called you a "lying sack of shit" for saying that I didn't provide any quotes in my article, since they were clearly included. But I'm above that now....

 

And as your brother in the eyes of God, I feel it is my duty to point something else out. Towards the end of your letter, you created what is called a "Straw Man Argument," a blunder so patently obvious, I'm really surprised you didn't see it. Again, I'm sure it was just an oversight. I never said that just because Depp doesn't agree lock-stock-and-barrel with everything President Bush does that he should get cancer. Please educate yourself by reading this article on our friend the Straw Man.

 

I certainly agree with you that "Freedom fries" was an idea so utterly stupid as to be what I would have USED TO call "retarded." In the past, the check-pants country club dumbass Republicans who are ensuring President Bush LOSES this election would have sent me into a profanity-laced tirade. But not today.... I've evolved past that, and I encourage everyone to do the same.

 

Regarding our dear friends the French: I find it extremely difficult to believe that the US, British, Russian, Danish, and Aussie intelligence communities were all WRONG about Saddam Hussein's WMD, and that the French were somehow right for once. Remember, it was up to Saddam to prove to the world that he had DESTROYED his WMD (and not up to us to prove that he still HAD them). He was unwilling and unable to show us what he did with them, so we got rid of him. Serves him fucking right... Did I say "fucking?" Sorry, I meant friggin'. And the Frogs (er, "French") were not taking the moral highground, they were paid off through the UN Oil-for-Food scandal. Here's a test: Would the Frogs be willing to accept military action against the other two members of the "Axis of Evil" (who openly ADMIT they have WMD)? The answer is clearly "no." 

 

I now actually REGRET saying I hope Johnny Depp gets cancer from smoking cigarettes. True, that's the natural result of smoking cigarettes, but that's not important. To show you what a true pal I am, I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to CHANGE my original article. In the interest of peace, I'm replacing the word "cancer" with "irritable bowel syndrome." Of course, it will look funny now that it says "I hope his wife gets breast irritable bowel syndrome," so I should probably drop the word "breast."

 

By the way, since you seem to be so utterly clueless, the POINT of my article was IN THE FUCKING TITLE, DIPSHIT! Johnny Depp is a traitor. That's it - I've had it with idiots. You fucked up your email, you lied about the lack of quotes, you used a blatant Straw Man Argument, and your "logic" is lousy. As of this moment, I will no longer accept any emails regarding Johnny Depp. As easy as these emails are to make fun of, my regular readers are getting tired of them.

 

And since you seem to be so fond of quotes, let me leave you this one by radio legend Casey Kasem: "Ponderous, man... Fucking ponderous...."