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Portland Jailblazers dropped by most inclusive club on the planet.
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The Portland Jailblazers have been on a rampage as of late. They are looking more and more like the thugs, pugs, mugs,
and other assorted rabble that Hedley Lamar assembles for his "army" in the final scenes of Blazing Saddles.
But first, let's talk about the easiest club in the world to get into: the D.A.R.E. program. The program (run by local
law enforcement offices across the country) was established to keep "at risk youth" (translation: bastards, white trashers,
and kids who are unaware of the existance of TWO parents) from using drugs. Since the only requirement to being a "member"
of D.A.R.E. is the ability to show up for school on DARE Day, it is no surprise that the entire program has become the punchline
for comedians since the early 90's.
It is a standard joke that children who will NEVER bring home a "My Child is
an Honor Student" bumper sticker will most assuredly bring home boxloads of DARE stickers. D.A.R.E. moms often proudly
display these stickers on their late-model cars (completely oblivious to the fact that they are free for the taking
and require no effort or achievement). The irony of showing solidarity with the War on Drugs (while she is swerving
in and out of traffic, high as a kite) is usually lost on a typical D.A.R.E. mom. Let me put it this way: if you see a woman
driving a car with a D.A.R.E. bumper sticker, she's either drunk off her ass, or the taverns haven't opened yet.
This week, however, the police departments that run the D.A.R.E. program finally said "no thanks" to the dope-addled
Portland Trailblazers (and who can blame them?). As easy as they are to make fun of, at least the people at D.A.R.E. have
the integrity to put principals ahead of money (unlike the good people at Head Start, who will "continue to work with the
Blazers"). Rather than list the crimes for which various Blazers have been convicted, I will take the easy way out and list
what they have NOT been convicted of: terrorism, murder, arson..... That's about it, see ya next week, kiddies, and keep showing
those D.A.R.E. stickers with pride (snicker).
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(C) 2003, Cooper for President
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