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"It was worse than listening to Katie Couric talking about her colonoscopy." - Michael Cooper, Presidential Candidate

Today, in what he considered to be the worst day of his life, Presidential Candidate Michael Cooper testified in front of the 9/11 Commission (in regards to the alleged theft of an online article related to 9/11). The Cooper team saw it as a deeply partisan witch hunt, and Cooper's Florida Campaign Manager, P.T. chose to resign rather than face the commission. Here is the complete transcript of today's testimony:
 
Bob Kerrey: Mr. Cooper, as I understand it, you are a presidential candidate. Is that correct?
 
Cooper: Well, sort of. Yes. I mean, I'm just a gag protest candidate. It's not like I expect to win or anything.
 
Kerrey: But you are well ahead of Dennis Kucinich in the polls, are you not?
 
Cooper: Sure, but who isn't?
 
Kerrey: Please keep your sarcasm to yourself. I've only got ten minutes. You're a presidential candidate, and you run a website dedicated to political and social commentary, is that right?
 
Cooper: Yes sir.
 
Kerrey: And as someone who publishes material online, I'm sure you're aware of the possibility that people might copy what you write and sell it as their own. What concrete steps have you taken to prevent such an occurance?
 
Cooper: Well, I've got a "copyright" at the bottom of every page.
 
Kerrey: Do you have an attorney?
 
Cooper: No, but....
 
Kerrey: Mr. Cooper, am I to understand that a man capable of running for President of the United States doesn't have the foresight to hire an attorney and actually PROTECT the content of his website? Did you think that just writing '(C) 2004 Cooper for President' at the bottom of each page would do the job??
 
(laughter)
 
Cooper: Well, I'm here.... So I guess yeah.... But I really haven't been concerned with people copying me, so what's the big deal? After all, I do have a career. The website is more of a hobby.
 
Kerrey: Let's get down to the allegations. An article you wrote in March, 2004 which talked about preventing 9/11 was stolen. During his appearance last week, Richard Clarke testified that he had WARNED you about the possibility of somebody stealing your material. Why didn't you act on that warning?
 
Cooper: Wait a second. First of all the article was a "what if" scenario regarding what happened in a parallel universe. In that universe, 9/11 had been prevented with the use of profiling and vigilance. As a result, CAIR and the ACLU filed a discrimination lawsuit against John Ashcroft, and people were screaming for George Bush's impeachment. I don't think anybody "stole" my article.
 
Kerrey: Yes, Mr. Cooper, I have the article right here. Let me rephrase it for you. Haven't you recently been told of several writers "borrowing" your material?
 
(laughter)
 
Cooper: Yes, I've received emails to that effect. But it's much more likely just a coincidence. Let me give you an example. When I did standup comedy, there would be perhaps 6-7 comedians in the group. If the show happened to coincide with the Olympics, as many as four or five people would have jokes about the Olympics or the Special Olympics. It just works out that way.
 
Kerrey: Oh, and I suppose that this New Republic Online article written by Gregg Easterbrook, which talks about Bush being impeached for preventing 9/11 (written two weeks after your article came out) is just a coincidence?
 
Cooper: Absolutely. With all the allegations this commission has flung at President Bush about "not stopping 9/11," there were bound to be a few articles about what would have happened if he HAD prevented it.
 
Kerrey: Thank you, Mr. Cooper. That will be all from me. Mr. Ben-Veniste?
 

(C) 2004, Cooper for President

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