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World Exclusive: With low approval ratings among women (and under intense
pressure from fellow Republicans), it has been revealed that Vice President Dick Cheney will in fact step down next month.
An unnamed high-ranking official within the Bush Administration (Colin Powell) has confirmed rumors that actor
Sam Elliot has been selected as Cheney's replacement. Mr. Elliot will accept the VP nomination at this year's Repulican
National Convention.
Elliot, 58, is a guaranteed vote getter (especially among women 40 and above). "There is not a single woman in America
over the age of 40 who can resist his charm, charisma, and downright sexiness," said Verna Baumbaum of People Magazine. "If
he ends up in the VP slot, President Bush will win in a landslide. And if things get boring at the vice presidential debates,
it is very likely that Mr. Elliot will punch John Edwards' lights out (just for kicks)."
Already on the defensive, the Edwards-Kerry team has fired its first salvo at the purported nominee. "Sam Elliot
has never filed (or won) a frivolous lawsuit in his life," said John ("Neckbrace") Edwards. Senator Kerry added that
Sam Elliot only played a Vietnam Veteran in the movies, and that Kerry was the real deal (or at least as
real as you can get when you fake your third injury and win a purple heart from a superficial finger scratch).
Verbal wars aside, it does appear that the John-John team is seriously worried. This weekend, Senator Edwards was
seen wearing a ten gallon hat (and trying on several grey moustaches at a costume shop in North Carolina, in a desperate attempt to
"butch up").
In a related story, it has been determined that outgoing DNC Chair Terry McAuliffe will be replaced by a more symbolic
representative for Democrats - Mr. Moneybags. "He's perfect," said McAuliffe. "The fact that there are more millionaire Democraps
in Congress than Republicans makes this choice obvious. Hell, as you probably don't know, I myself made $18 million from a
$100,000 investment in my friend's company, Global Crossing. Furthermore, I made it at a time when all the workers we Dems
pretend to care about lost their jobs. Ha ha ha!"
With a multi-millionaire presidential candidate, multi-millionaire vice presidential candidate, multi-millionaire outgoing
DNC Chair, and mult-millionaire celebrity backing, Mr. Moneybags was overjoyed at the prospect of representing the true party
of the rich. He noted that if Kerry wins, he and his wife will be the wealthiest First Couple this country has ever seen.
Moneybags (pictured at an elementary school DNC fundraiser) made his first million in real estate after building hotels
on Park Place AND Boardwalk. Since then, it's all been easy living. The Democrats are confident that they can make this
move without any mention in the left-leaning "mainstream" press. We agree. Their secret is safe.
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