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Of all the mysteries in the universe, perhaps none is as elusive as this one: "Why is Whoopi Goldberg famous?" So far, nobody has been able to answer that question. True, she was in Ghost, and before that she was best known for Comedy Relief. But what started her fame? Either way, there's one thing that people of all races, creeds, and underwear styles can agree on: Whoopi Goldberg isn't funny.
Last week, the Edwards-Kerry team held a fundraiser in New York City, which was attended by several third-tier "celebrities." One of the performers was Whoopi Goldberg, who (sticking with tradition) launched into a series of painfully unfunny jokes about President Bush's name. Although no transcripts have been released, several junior high school students have offered to reenact the routine for your enjoyment:
Kayla: "Hey, who likes Bush? I got yer 'bush' right here" (points to crotch)
Josh: "Yeah, and what about his vice president? What's goes well with 'bush?'"
Dylan: "Dick."
Seth: "That's right, we have Bush and Dick... They go together like... well, you know."
Dylan: "Yeah, you know dude."
Josh: "There are rumors he's going to drop Dick and replace him."
Kayla: "Bush drops Dick? Now THERE'S a story."
Dylan: "Who's he going to pick.... Colin?"
Josh: "Nah, Bush and Colin wouldn't make any sense. But what about DICK and Colin?"
Dylan: "Ha ha ha ha ha!"
... you get the gist of it. Whoopi Goldberg, ostensibly a professional comedian, launched into a series of Bush-Dick jokes that we all heard four years ago. Her drunken performance was final proof that this woman (in addition to not being funny) has no fucking class.
She mentioned that the DNC had asked her for a copy of her jokes before the event (presumably so they could screen out any offensive material). What was Whoopi's response? She said she made a photocopy of her ass, drew some "kissy lips" on it, then mailed it in to them. Interestingly, if she would have signed the photocopy of her ass and mailed it to the elections office, it would have counted as an absentee ballot for Kerry.
As the result of Ms. Goldberg's presentation, the British-Dutch company Unilever decided to drop her as their spokesperson for SlimFast. Since their product is supposed to promote weight loss, I'm sure it was only a matter of time before she was given the boot anyway. We still haven't heard whether or not Xerox plans to file a lawsuit against Whoopi for befouling one of their machines.
Right on cue, Asa Khalif (head of a racial shakedown group in Pennsylvania), said (as a result of the firing) "I smell racism from beginning to end. SlimFast must realize that black women have every right to voice their views." You smell racism, Mr. Khalif? Well, remember the old saying: "Whoever smelt it dealt it." Trying to imply that any racism at all is in play here is beyond retarded (but highly predictable).
So let me see if I have this right:
Whoopi Goldberg shoots her mouth off in a drunken tirade and reinforces many of the negative stereotypes African-Americans are saddled with (crude, loud, gaudy, obnoxious, ignorant and vulgar), and she's simply "expressing her opinion."
On the other hand, a company that hires Whoopi to represent them (and expects her to behave in a dignified, articulate manner) is "racist."
... Just another day down the rabbit hole known as PC America.
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