Dear 'tard,
What do you think now that Re-thug-lican John Ryan has been nailed by the media for personal
sexual behavior? Seems like the shoe is on the other foot, eh?
Laughing my ass off!
Dear laughing asshole,
I believe you're talking about Jack Ryan, the former senatorial candidate from Illinois.
As a Libertarian, the term "rethuglican" doesn't bother me, so that one's a big fat dud. However, I did see the interview
with Jack Ryan on last Friday's 20/20. My opinion? This guy was the victim of a smear campaign. Here's the allegation (and
I'm assuming it's true, just for the sake of the argument): Jack Ryan (when he was married to actress Jeri Ryan) allegedly
asked her to have sex with him in front of another couple. She refused. End of story. Yes, she mentioned this in her divorce
filing, but she and her ex-husband are now apparently on very good terms. In other words, she never came out to the media
and claimed that he did anything wrong. The media (in full Clinton image rebuilding mode) dug up the information and got their
divorce records unsealed. Furthermore, Jack Ryan didn't do anything wrong. What's the problem?
I'm not one of those people who thought Clinton should be impeached for cheating on his wife with
a 23-year-old skanker. Of course, he was impeached for lying under oath, so the "personal behavior" is a liberal red herring
anyway. Clinton did so many horrible things which did irreparable damage to this country, and I actually think the Lewinsky
scandal was GOOD for him. It took everyone's attention away from his true crimes (giving missile technology to the commies,
allowing supercomputers to be sold to China, using the FBI as his own personal investigative service, and generally being
a low-class white trash grifter).
But here's the real point - all of us have things in our past that we wouldn't be
proud of. Which of us hasn't asked our wife, girlfriend, "partner," or bank teller to do something that we
later regretted? By all accounts, Jack Ryan is a decent, intelligent hard-working man who was abandonded by the Republican
party when it was revealed that he wasn't as pure as the wind-driven snow.
I don't agree with what his party did to him, but I will say this: at least the Republicans have
consistent values. When something is revealed that doesn't fit the party's family-friendly image, they drop the candidate
like a hot potato. Contrast that with the Democraps. Clinton gets his knob polished, and they rallied around him like the
Peanuts gang around the Christmas tree. And lest you forget, Barney Frank had a live-in boyfriend who ran a male prostitution
ring out of his apartment. It seems to me the worse your character, the higher you go in the Democrap party. Therefore, as
someone running for president on the Democrap ticket, I would like to increase my chances of winning by having sex with any
of you big-breasted, green-eyed female fans out there..... And if we could work out a threesome, that would be wonderful.
Gracias.
Dear Tard,
I can't find my hemostats. Do you know where I put them?
Dear Dr. (I'm assuming you're a doctor),
Sorry to take so long to answer your question. Not knowing what hemostats were, I did a quick Google
search and saw some clamps that look mysteriously like the ones they used on me when I got my vasectomy. Upon seeing
those, I doubled over for the past two days just thinking about it. I've straightened up now, and I can tell you that my grandma
used to always say "Everything is always in the last place you look." Being a 'tard, I'm not sure what she meant. She smelled
like cat urine and looked a lot like John Kerry, so I'm not sure how good her advice really is, either. But if it's true,
then why not just cut to the chase and look in the last place you would normally look? That should increase your odds. Good
luck.
Dear 'tard,
Who would you rather bang - Anna Kournikova or Maria Sharapova?
Chet
How dare you ask such a thing? I never thought about that before. Really. I've
always thought of both of these fine women as talented athletes - NOT as sex objects. Besides, Maria Sharapova is
17 years old! So what if she has nice breasts, a tight bod, and umm. Uh.... Furthermore let
me say for the record that at this moment I am definitely NOT thinking about Anna, Maria and me in a presidential three-way..... Anyway, can
I get back to you on that one, Chet?
