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Still reeling from the controversy surrounding their mocumentary 'The Reagans,' CBS
has come back with a vengeance. Later this month, they will air two new children's holiday specials ("The Peanuts Ramadan
Celebration," and "It's Kwanzaa Charlie Brown"). The specials will serve a dual purpose: (1) Celebrating
Diversity and
(2) Pissing off regular Americans.
In keeping with their trend of revisionist history, CBS has opted to creatively alter the classic Charlie
Brown specials we all know and love. In the Ramadan special, the Peanuts gang will convert to "the religion of peace" and
declare jihad on Frosty, Santa, Rudolph, and all other "infidels" in the Rankin-Bass Christmas specials. CBS is currently
negotiating with all original sponsors, and will likely keep them on board (provided Dolly Madison is willing to put on a
burqua).
The Kwanzaa special will be much more subdued, but will prominently feature discussions on how the character
'Pigpen' may be offensive to ethnic minorities. In addition, Charlie Brown, Linus, Lucy, and Snoopy will be renamed 'Chuck
D,' 'Leshon,' 'Lequisha,' and 'Snoop Dogg,' respectively.
Renowned First Amendment Expert (and Presidential Historian) Barbara Streisand will be the creative consultant
on both projects. Her husband (James Brolin-Streisand) will do many of the voice-overs, as he has been unable to find real
work since 1987. "This is a great project," Brolin said. "My wife gets to be here to supervise everything, just like she did
during our Reagan documentary (and like she does at home). It's too bad the fascist Republicans forced us to air 'The
Reagans' on Showtime instead of CBS." When we asked Mr. Streisand why he thought it was Republicans (and not the American
public in general) who were behind the show's criticism, he looked back over his shoulder waiting for his wife to tell him
what to say. He then told us to stop being so 'mean.'
CBS has not yet announced the dates for the two new specials. However, they did confirm that all 'Christmas'
specials will be yanked in order to make room for more 'appropriate' and 'less offensive' programming. We have no idea what
that means, but judging by current network content, we can safely assume the replacement shows will involve women experimenting
with lesbianism, and strangers eating human flesh and insects in order to win cash and prizes....
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(C) 2003, Cooper for President
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