Hello, everybody! We're the Queer Eye Fab Five - Bruce, Lance, Bruce, Lance, and Bruce.
What? You thought that because we're gay, we can't be butch? Wrongo, my faggy friend!
We're here to help you out with your parenting. As you know, America has been raising a generation of pussies for the
past 20+ years, and we need to reverse this trend if we're ever going to defeat the Islamists. It's inconceivable to us that
American children are watching Sesame Street and learning how to share and take turns, while little Islamist boys are learning
how to chop peoples' heads off.
The first thing you need to do is STOP trying to be your kid's "pal." You're a parent, for Christ's sake, act like one.
In order for your children to be tough enough to face the real world, you need to set some standards. Girls should be at least
as butch as Demi Moore. Boys, on the other hand, need to be at least as rugged as Jodie Foster. Let's move on.
A big part of your child's development revolves around what type of food he or she eats. This requires you to set an
example for them. Stop it with the low-carb, chi-chi trendy diets. At the bottom of this page is a great cookbook
which will help you decide what to eat. And you need to stop the over-medication. Just because your kid acts like a human
being, it doesn't mean that he has "ADD" and needs to be strung out on dope.
Next, go through your house and throw away anything that will weaken your child's immune system. Get rid of the
anti-bacterial wipes and scented hand creams. We may be gay, but if there's one thing we can't stand, it's a faggy pussy boy.
Finally, you need to stop the overuse of antibiotics. If your kid gets the sniffles, fix him a bowl of chicken soup. The only
thing your doting and over-medicating has done is turn your six-year-old into a full-blown mama's boy.
Another thing to consider is naming your son. If he has a tough name like Austin, Justice, or DemonKill, you'd better
make damn sure you haven't pussified him. There's nothing more embarassing than a five-year-old, blonde-haired pussyboy with
a mullet who sleeps with the lights on, wets his bed and is "ascared" of moths, having a name like "Brock." If your
son speaks with a lisp, carries a blankee with him, and is allergic to milk, wheat, soy and eggs, his name had
damn well better not be HUNTER. You'll only end up drawing more attention to the little pussbag, which will make
the other boys want to taunt him and possibly even throw him into the swimming pool. And that would be a real tragedy, because
he has tubes in his ears!!!!
After you've eliminated the barriers to butching up, it's time to put your children on a diet designed to push
their immune system to the limit. You should make a weekly habit of going to Skipper's, Old Country Buffet, and that local
Chinese all-you-can eat dump at the strip mall. This will help them build an immunity to botchulism, e-coli, and
possibly even black plague. And the large number of illegal immigrants from Mexico who practically live at
the Chinese buffet will no doubt expose them to whooping cough and TB. While you're there, take a look at Esse's
"parenting" skills. Not much to brag about, eh? In fact, you might want to take a page out of Esse's book of etiquitte and let your
kids eat directly off the floor, keeping whatever food they find down there. Yes, it's socially retarded, but this isn't
the time to be concerned with that. What we need is for your brats to toughen up.
So the next time your son falls down and scrapes his knee, don't coddle him and say "there there."
And you'd damn well better not call him "Pooh bear," or some such shit, or we will personally come to your house and
kick the crap out of you. Spray some Bactine on it and tell him to "suck it up." Better yet, just rub some dirt in it and
be done with it. Remember: the future Mohammed Atta is (at this very moment) learning how to shoot an AK-47. Your son needs
to put down that soccer ball and start butching up, or we're all in big trouble.
Ciao!
The Queer Eye Fag Five
