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In another world exclusive, the Cooper for President team has hired former Howard Dean Campaign Manager, Mary Butterfly Cuntface, to interview the new John-John team. She sat down with John Fuckface Kerry and John ("Isn't he dreamy?") Edwards to discuss campaign strategy, the war in Iraq, and how she can make her hair as silky smooth as Edwards' Devo 'do. Here's the interview:
Mary: Thank you for taking the time to meet with me. Let me first say how honored I am to be in the same room with you, Senator Edwards. Hey, where's John Kerry?
JFK: I'm right here - don't step on me! I'm right next to Senator Edwards.
Mary: Oh my god! Have you shrunk again?
JFK: Yeah. I thought I'd be back to normal size by now, but since I picked a sexy young studmuffin as a running mate, it only served to draw even more attention away from me. My doctor is giving me additional Botox treatments and some growth hormone injections. If all goes well, I should be back to normal size in time for the convention.
Mary: That's good. Hey, I've got some Miracle Gro in my garage. Remind me to spray some on you as you leave. That might help..
JFK: Thanks. I'll do that.
Mary: So, Senator Edwards... Can I call you "Eddie?"
Edwards: You can call me anythang you want, darlin'
Mary: Please stop. You're making me gooey! Anyway, apart from getting the Sucker Mom vote, what else do you have up your sleeve?
Edwards: Well, sugar, I'm going to rely heavily on my roots. As you may know, my father...
JFK: (Cutting in) Worked in the mill. We KNOW already. Please stop beating that dead horse. Everyone's heard it a million times, and it's become a punchline on SNL.
Edwards: Fine, then you can't talk about Vietnam.
JFK: The hell I can't. It's all I've got. But if I shrink any more, I won't be able to drag these war medals out on stage with me.
Mary: Ok, Senator Kerry - How do you answer critics who say that you're a boring, prep-school, out-of-touch old fart who selected Senator Edwards as mere "eye candy?"
JFK: That's just more right-wing nonsense. Anybody who knows me knows that I have a great sense of humor. I remember during the primaries, I told some young, unknown, snot-nosed punk that I was out putting my ass on the line for my country when he was still in diapers. Who was that guy?
Edwards: Ahem! That was me!
JFK: Oh yeah! Sorry about that.
Mary: So apart from Eddie's good looks, and your attempts to talk down the economy and the war in Iraq, what is your grand scheme to win? I mean, we're all Democrats here, so I'm assuming you're going to cheat your ass off.
JFK: Damn right! We've got all our bases covered. Not only are we getting millions of borderline-illegal money thrown at us by left-wing hate groups like Moron.Org and traitors like George Soros, we're also going to do an email blitz reminding college students across the country to double-register so they can vote in their home state as well as their college state.
Edwards: And don't forget about bribing the homeless with cigarettes, encouraging illegal aliens to vote, and having stupid people convince everyone they screwed up their ballots and need to "re-vote."
Jesse Jackson deserves a Nobel for that idea.
JFK: And we'll be sure to toss out as many valid military ballots as possible. Oops - you're in Iraq and couldn't get your ballot in the mail in time? SORRY! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Mary: Ha ha ha ha ha! And I'll be sure to do my part. Well thank you gentlemen for stopping by. Oh, let me go get that Miracle Gro....
....Here it is. (spray).
JFK: Owwww! It burns! Yaaaaooo! What is that stuff? I'm shrinking... I'm shrinking... I'm shrinking..
Mary: Whoops! That wasn't Miracle Gro, it was Round-up. Sorry about that. And it looks like John Edwards moves up a notch! I love it when my plan comes together. So, Eddie, do you mind if I pinch your cheeks?
Edwards: Which cheeks are you talkin' bout, sugar? Ha ha ha.
Mary: Get this camera crew out of here, and I'll show you! Campbell Brown, Katie Couric, Christianne Amanpour eat your hearts out!
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